Days of Insanity
by Demon Hunter Anamae
Summary: ~Complete~ A story where all the LoK characters/timelines get messed up.
1. A Not So Heroic Beginning - Everyone Mee...

A word of warning in advance. This Fanfic will make absolutely no sense whatsoever except for the sense that I give it, if I chose to do so at any time. There will be massive plot holes that I will not care to backtrack on or explain, there will be some time flipping from past, present and then into the future and back again, and a bunch of people will meet with hilarious and disastrous results. So now that you people have all be warned, please enjoy this fanfic which will make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Well, there IS a plot but that'll be very loose as well..  
  
* * * *  
  
One day in the city of Meridian where our story begins, which wasn't a happy place if you were a vampire on the run from the law, people were walking along and merrily minding their own business. Harry the shoemaker was making shoes as he always did, the Goodwife Tina was gossiping about the Sarafan Lord to all of her friends, even if she knew nothing about him; Frank and Tony (the medieval mafia group) were making their rounds and getting their money from the people they 'protected' and even the city's drunk was outside of the Red Raven Pub, causing a scene as he always did which was quite natural since he was the town drunk and had held that position for the last twelve years.  
  
Well, the Sarafan patrols were minding their own business, walking back and forth, back and forth down the boring streets and sometimes causing trouble for the hell of it because everything else was just so damn boring. Of course as we all know the merry peace and quiet in the city of Meridian was about to be broken because that's what's expected in this fanfiction here.  
  
Two Glyph Guards (we'll give them the names of Seamus and Carl) were watching the main gates and trying not to fall asleep from the sheer boredom of it all when Carl looked up in the sky.  
  
Carl: I do say my good friend, but that speck on the horizon is getting closer and closer.  
  
Seamus: So?  
  
Carl: Does that not concern you in the least?  
  
Seamus: Not really.  
  
Well, Carl had made Mistake no.1 in this fanfiction: Looking into the sky and seeing a mysterious flying object. So with some concern Carl watched the speck get closer and closer as Seamus tried to make a decent pot of coffee over a very weak fire. Suddenly there was a gout of flame, accompanied by a low swooping sound and a very big black shadow. Seamus looked up in the sky, saw nothing, shrugged and went back to making his coffee.  
  
Seamus: Damn it, that mysterious wind that kicked up blew out the fire. Carl, I need your lighter.  
  
Seamus wouldn't be able to get Carl's lighter anytime soon because Carl was dead.  
  
Yes indeed, Carl the Glyph Knight was as dead as it was possibly could be. He was nothing more than a charred skeleton in his suit of armour, which looked perfectly clean and spotless for some reason considering he had gone up as a human torch, one of the first recorded cases of the supposed human combustion theory. Hell, there was even a small fire still around Carl's feet. Seamus didn't think much of this; in fact he thought that Carl's new lighter bought at the Glyph Energy Store had killed his friend and he was just glad he didn't have it in his hands. Taking a piece of wood nearby Seamus managed to set it blazing with the fire around Carl's feet and went back to making his coffee, which he took with about ten teaspoons of sugar and half a cup of goat's milk. No cow's milk mind you, because cow's milk was too expensive in this day and age in Meridian.  
  
Seamus didn't know the thing he had unwillingly let into Meridian that morning, and all because he was making that coffee, which was very weak and gave him horrible cramps in his gut, but that's beside the point.  
  
This large, black, massive, oppressive, ominous shadow crossed over the city of Meridian. It passed over Harry the shoemaker's shop, causing him to miss a nail and hammer his thumb with the large mallet in his other hand, sending him into a spree of swearing that rivaled those of cab drivers cut off in Meridian traffic. Goodwife Tina looked up at the large shadow and promptly fainted, something that was considered good by all the other goodwives because now she would just shut the hell up and that would be that. Frank and Tony gazed up at the thing that flew over them, becoming the second and third reported cases of the supposed human combustion theory that day. And even the city's drunk looked up and pissed his pants in sheer fright, but that was unremarkable because he did that all that time.  
  
In the next few minutes, all hell broke loose. Fires suddenly erupted from nowhere, rioting began in earnest because everyone needs a good reason to riot sometime or another in their boring life, and the percentage of wedgies and wet willies soared into the thousands. The Sarafan Lord was outraged. How did this happen, and of all days on Tuesdays when he loved watching his soaps on the television? Something had to be done, and done quickly if he was to get back to his scheduled programs. So he summoned his officers for a top-secret meeting, which wasn't very secret to begin with because everyone in the Sarafan Fortress knew about it (Al's Catering Service was putting out the buffet for the supposed top secret meeting) and it wasn't exactly a meeting because the Sarafan Lord didn't ask the opinions of his officers, only screaming at them while waving the Soul Reaver around in an important way.  
  
Sarafan Lord: What it this menace that had entered our city, making people self-combust, causing the rioting and making me miss my scheduled programs on television?  
  
Marcus: We don't know, Milord.  
  
Sebastian: (Leaning over to Marcus) Shut up, you idiot. You're only going to make it worse for us.  
  
Faustus: Worse? How can it possible get any worse? I have some parts of the Smugglers' Den burning and I have to be here listening to the Sarafan Lord ranting and raving on!  
  
Marcus: Oh shut up. No one cares if the Den burns. It's an ugly place and no one will care if it's gone!  
  
Faustus: I will!  
  
Marcus: You're vote doesn't count!  
  
Faustus: Why not?  
  
Marcus: Because! That's why.  
  
Faustus: Okay, that's it! (Faustus flicks Marcus's ear; the bald vampire retaliates by kicking Faustus in the knee)  
  
As the two are fighting and breaking apart the throne room as well as one of a kind items, Sebastian and the Sarafan Lord decide what this menace could be.  
  
Sebastian: I have the answer. I'll just get the book 'Menaces That Appear From Nowhere' written by the same author who contributed the novels 'You're Dead But You Don't Know It Yet' and '1001 Things To Do With A Pet Demon'. The demon pet of his killed him, you know. (Pulls the book out from behind his cape)  
  
Sarafan Lord: Wow, that's impressive! How did you do that?  
  
Sebastian: I don't know; my cape is big and I can fit a lot of stuff in there. Okay, page 367, section B-69; here we go! 'So people are burning in the street and while it might be the popular Human Self Combustion Theory in all its glory, it could also be a dragon.' That would make sense.  
  
Sarafan Lord: Yes, it would indeed. But why all the rioting?  
  
Sebastian: Dragons like to cause rioting.  
  
Sarafan Lord: And you know this how?  
  
Sebastian: I have my sources.  
  
Now armed with the knowledge that it's a dragon that is burning Meridian, the Sarafan Lord sends out his troops to deal with the matter as best as they can. Of course, they are only puny mortals who haven't even lived past the age of forty, so what are their odds against a ten thousand year old dragon that has awakened from the depths of.. (Insert evil name here) place. Either way, while the dragon is burning Meridian to its heart's content, this story will now zoom about a thousand years into the future of Nosgoth, to where Kain is ruling as a god over the destroyed land along with his six sons.  
  
(Fast-forwarding noise)  
  
It's a boring day for them as well, and why shouldn't it be? They've successfully conquered the humans, taken control of Nosgoth with a fist of iron, there are no more battles to be fought, but the Lieutenants are bored all the same. They've seen all the movies at Luigi's Cinema, gone on all the rides at Nosgoth Theme park until they barfed up twice, threw Melchiah's left arm up into a tree and watched him get it back down, raced the humans over at the Citadel (and easily cut them down and ate them) and there was simply nothing else to do.  
  
That is until Raziel was walking along, the handsome vampire minding his own business when he stumbled across the Chronoplast. Stumble is not much of a word; he more along the lines of smacked head first into the doorway because he wasn't looking where he was going, too intent on looking at his reflection in the pocket mirror he always carried around with him.  
  
Raziel: Ouch, this thing is in my way. I demand you move at once! (Waits for the massive building to get up and move away) Very well, have at you then! (Attacks the door and breaks his hand) OUCH!!!!!  
  
For no reason, the other five Lieutenants suddenly come into the picture, looking slightly confused as to how they got there.  
  
Rahab: How did we get here?  
  
Zephon: Aliens, I tell you. Aliens!  
  
Turel: Okay, you've been watching too many X-Files. (Looks at Raziel) Are you okay?  
  
Raziel: No, I just broke my hand but otherwise I am fine. This building would not move out of the way for my beautiful face. (Kicks the door and screams as he broke the bone in there as well)  
  
As Raziel was hopping along, holding his foot in one hand while kissing the other broken hand, Dumah walks up to the door and opens it easily and looks inside.  
  
Dumah: It's very interesting in here. I see all these steps and stars in the ceiling, as well as a couple of portals and domahikies that seem to be very important.  
  
Melchiah: Dumah, domahikies isn't even a word.  
  
Dumah: It is in this fanfic!!! Hey, I found a note and it looks important! Notice how I'm the stupid guy who's always finding the important stuff in this fanfic? Notice people?  
  
Zephon: (Grabs the note) Let me read it. 'To whomever finds this note, this is the Chronoplast, a machine which I invented and can send people into the past, present or future in a moment's notice. Please do not use without my expressed permission. Signed Moebius.' Whatever.  
  
Suddenly the six Lieutenants looked at each other and smiled. They had a plan; a brilliant, dastardly, evil plan. Well, it wasn't really a plan. It was more of a spur-of-the-moment type thing, but either way the brothers acted on it. All of them rushed into the Chronoplast, which Moebius had forgotten to lock up when he went home last night, and began to fiddle around with the domahikies and whatchamacallits of this sophisticated piece of time-traveling equipment. Rahab and Turel, being the most intelligent of the brethren, set the coordinates to a time in the past and as the portal opened up, they all gleefully leapt through, not really caring where they went as long as there were candy bars and ice cream shops waiting for them at the other end.  
  
At the exact same time Kain is sitting down in his throne, holding the Soul Reaver in one hand and contemplating his godhood. It's not as interesting as he thought it would be and he was just as bored as his sons, but Kain couldn't show it because he was, after all, a god and gods did not possess emotions of any sort. But for no apparent reason Kain suddenly got up and walked, no ran! to the Chronoplast chamber, saw it was open, and walked in. Then he saw that the time streaming device was activated.  
  
Kain: Oh shit!  
  
With those two famous words, the master vampire of Nosgoth leapt through the portal, not knowing where the hell he was going but sure to bring back his sons and then deprive them of their television and sweets for a whole month once this fiasco was all cleaned up.  
  
* * * *  
  
Back in Meridian, the Sarafan Lord had just received a slew of reports from his underlings and the television reporters showing how his army had fared against the dragon. The results are less than pleasant.  
  
Sarafan Lord: So you're saying we have no more troops left?  
  
Marcus: Afraid so, Milord. They all went out and became food for the dragon, who roasted them first in their armour and then smeared them in ketchup then ate them like that.  
  
Faustus: Where the hell did you get that information?  
  
Marcus: From my sources. (Suddenly a tiny mouse crawls out of a tiny mouse hole, runs across the room and climbs up on the vampire's shoulder, whispers a few words, then climbs back down to the ground and vanishes back through the tiny mouse hole)  
  
Sebastian: What was that?  
  
Marcus: My pet mouse, Mr. Whispers.  
  
Sarafan Lord: --And what did he say?  
  
Marcus: She, Milord. Mr. Whispers is a she.  
  
Faustus: Then why the hell is it called a 'Mr.'?  
  
Marcus: Well when I originally found the mouse I gave it the name Mr. Whispers because it's a whispering mouse all the way from the Canyons. Of course after Mr. Whispers got pregnant and had about ten little mouselings, which are going to school at the moment, I decided to change the name but then I thought against it because it might be too confusing. So anyway-  
  
Sebastian: Marcus! WHAT. DID. THE. STUPID. MOUSE. SAY?  
  
Marcus: She is not stupid. And she said that some weird beings have suddenly come into Meridian via the Chronoplast chamber that the Sarafan Lord had located underground.  
  
Sarafan Lord: But that place was a secret!  
  
Faustus: Not anymore!  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Growls and twists the Soul Reaver in his hands) All right, here's what we're going to do. Meridian will close its gates and no one is allowed in or out of the city. Suspend all patrols looking for the vampire resistance and make them man the walls, close down the three-ringed circus, make sure all the animals are safe in the petting zoo and you three will go and check on these new people that have come out of the supposed secret Chronoplast chamber down on Atwater street, which is between Cannonball street and across from Dentist lane.  
  
Sebastian: Why us?  
  
Sarafan Lord: Because I pay you guys to protect me! Now get going!!!!  
  
Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus: Yes sir!  
  
The three quickly raced out of the Sarafan Fortress, but not before Faustus pointed out that the Sarafan Lord had forgotten to wear his pants when he got up that morning. After escaping unscathed from the arrows and rocks thrown at him, Faustus led the way down the burning streets of Meridian to the Chronoplast chamber, which was of course on Atwater street, between Cannonball street where cannonballs wiz through the air from 3 o'clock in the afternoon until suppertime, which is about 7 o'clock, and across from Dentist lane where those evil dentists pry out anybody's teeth if they have half a chance. The Meridian Firemen are trying to put out the blazes as best as they can but unfortunately they had a budget that year and were only able to afford one wooden bucket to scoop the water into and then throw it onto the flames. And once the bucket was burnt by a well-aimed blast from this unseen yet hostile dragon, the firemen decided to give up and go drinking instead.  
  
Of course as the three renegade vampires came up to the time streaming chamber, the six Lieutenants piled out at that exact same moment, hooting with laughter.  
  
Turel: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto!  
  
Zephon: Oh please, that line is so old! Get something new.  
  
Turel: No, make me! (The two proceed to fight in the burning street)  
  
Dumah: Wow, this place is burning!  
  
Rahab: Yes, it is. Someone should get the firemen out here and have them working on it. OH MY GOD!  
  
Dumah: What?!  
  
Rahab: (Points behind them into the chamber, where Kain has just come out from. He stands behind Raziel) Raz? Raz! Raziel, you might want to move!!!  
  
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) Oh, I am one sexy bitch!  
  
Raziel then sees his father's reflection in his mirror, turns around, makes something of a scream and then promptly faints dead away. Turel and Zephon, both holding onto each other's throats, look at Kain sheepishly while Rahab and Melchiah hide behind Dumah, who is the tallest out of all the brothers and therefore makes the best shield in the minds of self-preservation siblings. Kain raises the Soul Reaver over his head, about to scream out at his sons when he sees Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus standing off to the side, watching this weird scene unfold before them.  
  
Kain: (Points a finger at the three traitor vampires) You!  
  
Sebastian: Us?  
  
Kain: (Choked whisper) You three - here?  
  
Faustus: Something wrong with you, gramps?  
  
Kain: I-I-impossible--  
  
Marcus: That voice does sound familiar - but where have I heard it before?  
  
Faustus: And why does he have the Soul Reaver as well?  
  
Dumah: (Snorts) You vampires obviously know nothing. He's the master vampire and ruler of all Nosgoth, Emperor Kain.  
  
Melchiah: (Peeping out from behind Dumah) And our dad too!  
  
Turel: Yeah! How do you like them apples? (Everyone looks at him) What? What did I say - why are you guys looking at me like that? - You're all idiots!  
  
Sebastian: Kain?! That's Kain?  
  
Faustus: (Whistles) Wow, you've aged terribly Kain. And you have sons, too? Why do you have the greenish cast to your skin, and the veins bulging out of your head?  
  
Kain: This is impossible! We've gone back in time! This is my past; this is Meridian before I destroyed it! (Looks around at the flames on the buildings) Well, I can see that it's destroying itself but all the same-  
  
Marcus: No, it's not your handiwork. We just have a dragon that's been causing trouble and now that you seven have popped up here we'll need to take you into the proper authorities. So come with us!  
  
Kain: I refuse! I'm an Emperor in the future.  
  
Sebastian: Well you aren't now and this is the present for us and not the future for you but the past so you're coming with us either way to the jailhouse!  
  
Rahab: Excuse me, but what you said made absolutely no sense.  
  
Sebastian: Shut up, you stupid ingrate! It made perfect sense to me!  
  
Kain: Don't you dare call my son an ingrate! He's smarter than you; he has glasses to prove it! (Kain walks up to Sebastian and the two begin to fight)  
  
Dumah: Wait a minute. I'm confused. So what's happening at this moment?  
  
Zephon: (Clears his throat and strikes a pose) Well we obviously have gone into the past, dad's past where he knows these vampires from when he was younger I suppose, and this city called Meridian in burning and we will have to -- HOLY SHIT!!!!  
  
Melchiah: Zephon, what does a holy shit have to do with everything at this moment?  
  
Zephon: No, look there!  
  
All the vampires look to where Zephon is pointing, right down the middle of Cannonball Street.  
  
Turel: Cannonballs flying through the air. Fascinating!  
  
Zephon: No, down that street! (Points to a street called Mysterious Happenings)  
  
Melchiah: No Zephon, we're not going down there and uncovering conspiracies from the X-Files, which doesn't exist in this world at all.  
  
Zephon. NO!!!! Look, you idiots, look!!!  
  
Raziel: (Just woken up from fainting) Oh my god, some vampire as beautiful as me!  
  
Kain: (Screaming like a little girl as he looks) IT'S ME!!!  
  
Indeed it is. Kain, the younger version anyway in the past for the older Kain but the present for the younger Kain, has just rounded a corner with Umah, Vorador and some other people from the Cabal following him. They have been kicked out of the Blue Lady Shop because they didn't pay their taxes on time but also because half of it was burning anyway and they couldn't put out the fire. Well, the younger Kain saw the older Kain, the older Kain saw the younger Kain and then everything began to make no sense.  
  
Both Kain's: Is that I? (Both wave their hands in unison, then kick their legs out in the same way, and both cry the famous Vae Victus line)  
  
Rahab: Holy cow, dad really has aged terribly!!!  
  
Faustus: There, I'm glad someone agrees with me!  
  
Marcus: All right, this is getting weird. If anyone wants me, I'm going to the main gates of Meridian to see what the dragon's up to.  
  
All the Lieutenants: Dragon?!  
  
Sebastian: Hello, what have we been saying for the past few minutes? Do you think that we set all these fires by ourselves for the fun of it?  
  
Dumah: (Chuckling) Dunno, but I cause fires at home all the time. I once burned down half of the library to stop Rahab from-  
  
Zephon: Shut up!  
  
As Dumah and Zephon proceed to fight, the older Kain is now looking at Umah and Vorador.  
  
Older Kain: This is a bad trip down memory lane. It really is.  
  
Umah: Kain, is that you? You've aged terribly. (Looks between the younger version of Kain and the older version) You don't look half as sexy as you do right now, and if you already have the Soul Reaver, then you don't have to bother getting it back from the Sarafan Lord.  
  
Younger Kain: Hey, give me back my sword you bastard! And I refuse to believe that I will look as ugly as that in the years to come. (Flings himself at the older Kain and the two start tussling for the possessed blade)  
  
Vorador: I'm going to go off and make sure that the porno shop isn't burning down. If it is, then I'm going to save everything that I can and I don't have to pay for it. Then I'll find the tab list and burn that too if it already hasn't been consumed by the flames.  
  
Vorador runs off as he always does when the situation becomes too much, taking with him the rest of the Cabal. Umah watches her sire flee, then looks at the two Kain's fighting for the Soul Reaver, sees Zephon and Dumah hitting each other over the head with trashcans; watches with some concern as the one called Raziel looks at himself in the mirror and utters nonsense, while Rahab, Melchiah and Turel are trying to stay away from the flames and Sebastian and Faustus are trying to hold back Marcus from running away. This obviously requires a woman's touch.  
  
Umah: Everyone be quiet! (All the vampires stop doing what they were doing and look at her) Okay, now that we're all quiet we need to-  
  
Melchiah: DRAGON!!!!!  
  
All look up in the sky where the youngest vampire is pointing and see the massive dragon pass over them. As the older Kain looks up, the younger one took that moment to punch him in the face, grab the Soul Reaver and run down the street screaming that it was his, his alone and no one else's. The older Kain screams out in anger and chases after his younger self down a side street and vanishes. The dragon beat its wings and flew off into the distance; for all its size no one was really able to get a good view of it.  
  
Raziel: So that's the dragon that's been causing all the burnings?  
  
Rahab: I thought it was the popular Self Combustion Theory.  
  
Zephon: Hey, our dads are gone.  
  
Melchiah: Should we follow them?  
  
Turel: Hell, no way! We can do whatever we want now because dad is busy chasing dad! (Looks over at Sebastian) Hey, do you have any ice cream parlours around here?  
  
Sebastian: They were the first things to go when the dragon came.  
  
Turel: (Anguished cry and collapses to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Melchiah: And what about chocolate bars? Hershey Kisses?  
  
Marcus: Her-shey's Kisses? What are those?  
  
Melchiah: (Collapses beside Turel) AHHHGGGGGGGG!!! We've entered hell; we're in hell!!!  
  
Raziel: Oh please brothers, we'll be fine. Just as long as I have my pocket mirror to look at myself in, then everything is okay!  
  
A sudden gust of wind comes and snatches the mirror out of Raziel's hand, causing it to shatter on the ground. He begins to sob as well, falling on his hands and knees and vainly tries to piece the mirror together, fails miserably and sobs some more.  
  
Rahab: Well do you people at least have television here?  
  
Faustus: Yes we do but the dragon took out the TV station almost immediately and the Sarafan Lord will be very displeased if he doesn't get back to watching his programs soon.  
  
Rahab: No science network.  
  
Faustus: (Shakes his head) No science network.  
  
Rahab then curls up into a ball and begins muttering to himself while rocking back and forth.  
  
Dumah: So what have you people been trying to do against this dragon?  
  
Marcus: Kill it, of course!  
  
Dumah: Take me to your leader and I will destroy this dragon! I am the greatest warrior from the future so with my powerful and superior knowledge this dragon doesn't stand a chance against me!  
  
Zephon: No, don't do it Dumah! It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy!!!!!  
  
Sebastian: (Whispers to Marcus) Is it just me or do all the vampires in the future act like idiots?  
  
Marcus: Who cares? If this guy says he can get rid of the dragon, then let him and we won't get injured at all.  
  
Sebastian: All right, we'll take you to our leader. Follow us, all six of you, and we'll see what we can get done in this short amount of time.  
  
Umah: What about me?  
  
Faustus: (Shrugs) Come if you want, but most likely you'll get thrown into a prison cell.  
  
Umah: Wouldn't be the first time.  
  
So the three traitor vampires' head back to the Sarafan Fortress with Umah and the six Lieutenants following them, with Dumah bragging all the way how he'll destroy the dragon with one punch from his meaty fist. And somewhere in the Slums of Meridian, both Kain's are fighting for the ownership of the Soul Reaver.  
  
* * * * 


	2. Two Kain's Fight! Off With Dumah?

When we last left off, Marcus, Faustus, Sebastian and Umah, along with the six Lieutenants, were heading back to the Sarafan Lord because they found themselves a dragon slayer. Unfortunately Dumah, being the stupid idiot in this fanfic, doesn't know what's waiting for him at the moment but he soon will. The two Kain's at this moment were fighting over possession of the Soul Reaver, and doing any means necessary to get it.  
  
Young Kain: It's mine! Mine! (Runs headfirst into a wall in the Slums with a poster saying 'Watch out!')  
  
Kain: No! It's mine now! (Grabs the Soul Reaver and holds it over his head) I am the champion.  
  
Now for no reason a lightning bolt comes out from the sky and strikes the Reaver, thereby zapping Kain and frying him as well. The younger Kain took this moment to get up and pluck the sword from the charred Kain's grasp and continued running down the Slums, happily singing and skipping along. Of course the older Kain would not stand for this. He was a 1,000 years older and while he might not look as handsome as his younger counterpart, he knew was he in the past was thinking and what he would do, which the older Kain would be able to outthink the younger Kain because he had already thought those thoughts a long time ago. Kain got off this difficult topic because it was making his head spin and just ran after his younger self in a good old-fashioned chase.  
  
Standing at the intersection of Trashy and Drugs Street in the Slums and after knocking over Patricia the Stripper, the younger Kain hailed a Meridian blue cab that hadn't gone up in flames when the dragon had attacked.  
  
Young Kain: (Hopping in) All right buddy, to the middle of nowhere and step on it!  
  
Cab driver: Right.  
  
Kain: (Rounding the corner and seeing the cab pull away) Damn it all to hell and back again, that's bastard -- wait, I just called myself a bastard -- ah screw it! That freak just drove off with my sword!! Where the hell could he be heading off too?  
  
At precisely that moment another cab, also in blue, drove up beside Kain.  
  
Cab driver: Can I help ya with something, mac?  
  
Kain: (Dragging the cab driver out of his cab) Yes, I'm using your car!  
  
Cab driver: Hey, you don't know how to drive, you stupid vampire!  
  
Kain: Ah, shove this! (Makes a rude gesture and drives off after the Young Kain)  
  
The cab driver, now without a cab and technically without a job, decided to drink his problems away at the Red Raven Pub, which mysteriously hasn't burned down even if the gin and other alcohol had soaked through the floorboards. Really, it should have been one of the first things to go because of all the beer there and how fire does eat away at anything with alcohol, and if the people of Meridian got trapped in there they were effectively killing themselves but hey, once again that's besides the point and bears no real effect to the rest of this story.  
  
Young Kain: Cabby? Can't you go any faster?  
  
Cab driver: Hey kid, I have to drive carefully or I might lose my license. And I can't have that now, can I? It takes about 3 months to get a new one at the school and then after that I need to get my photo taken. My wife was always saying 'Cab driver, this new photo of you looks so much better that the last one so don't lose your license because then you'll lose this nice photo of yourself and-  
  
Well, the cab driver effectively stopped speaking as the young Kain slashed his head off with the Soul Reaver.  
  
Young Kain: (Hugging the Soul Reaver and getting cut up by it) Ahh, just like old times.  
  
Suddenly the older Kain pulled up in his cab and rammed it into the back of the younger Kain's cab.  
  
Kain: Give me back my sword, you little ingrate!  
  
Young Kain: Make me buddy! (Hops into the front seat of the cab, throws the driver's headless body out the window, and proceeds to drive off, most likely to the middle of nowhere)  
  
So the two Kain's, who never passed driver's school three times and still counting, skidded and slew across the road, crashing through houses being eaten by fires and running down the occasional pedestrian that got in their way and all because of the Soul Reaver. The sword itself didn't mind; hell, it loved being the center of attention and it didn't get any better than this. It had strapped itself in safely in the passenger's seat, and even though it possessed no arms or mouth to speak of, managed to grab a bag of buttered popcorn with salt and vinegar dressing on the top from a popcorn stand that the younger Kain had driven through, then also somehow managed to take the soda from Harry the Shoemaker as the younger Kain drove him down.  
  
Yes, life was good if you were the one, the only, the indestructible Soul Reaver.  
  
Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting) Give me back my sword! I own it; I have my name etched in the pommel.  
  
Young Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting back) Well then that makes it mine too, pops, and at least I didn't have to waste any time putting MY name on it.  
  
Kain, feeling very angry and seeing the veins bulge out of his forehead, sped forwards and rammed the younger Kain's car not once, not twice, but thrice! The younger Kain's beautiful face got smashed into the steering wheel and the cab whirled out of control, flipping end of end and taking about three other humans into the afterlife where the Elder God waited for them, and then finally stopped.  
  
Kain: (Getting out of his cab) Yes, I win! Take that, younger version of me!  
  
Young Kain: (Crawling out of the cab) Ohh, I think I broke my ribs. (Looks up to see the older Kain) Oh boy.  
  
Kain: Give me the Soul Reaver, runt.  
  
Young Kain: It's in the cab. (Begins to crawl away weakly)  
  
Kain walked over the younger and injured form of himself, then looked into the smashed wreak that had once been the livelihood for the cab driver that was now getting smashed at the pub, which was also beginning to have the roof burned by the all-encompassing fire. Pushing aside the fluffy dice hanging from the rearview mirror and throwing over his shoulder a half eaten bag of popcorn and an empty soda can, the older, wiser yet not as good-looking as his younger version Kain found that the Soul Reaver wasn't there.  
  
Oh yeah, the Soul Reaver had somehow managed to vacate its seat before the car crashed, not even leaving a message to where it was going to next, which was the Meridian sewer system by the way. Of course, the older and younger Kain was not aware of this at the moment, but they soon would be.  
  
Young Kain: (Dragging himself away) The pain - is tremendous. (The shadow of the older Kain falls across him) Oh, what now? I told you where the damn sword was!  
  
Kain: It's not in the cab.  
  
Young Kain: Oh well, not my problem!  
  
Kain: Yes, it is your problem. (Picks himself up by the neck) See, if you don't get that sword back, then you can kiss your future empire goodbye. I can kiss my own future goodbye as well. So if you want to keep on living and fulfill your righteous plan of controlling all of Nosgoth, you need to get the sword. And I need that sword because without it, mystical plans in the future that will affect all of Nosgoth will not unfold and then everyone will be damned, even if I am trying to save all of Nosgoth the only way I know how!  
  
Young Kain: (Measured silence) So - all we need to do is get the sword, right?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Young Kain: Then we'll go to the sewers.  
  
Kain: Why the sewers?  
  
Young Kain: Just read back a few paragraphs and we'll see where the sword went.  
  
*Rewinding sound*  
  
So the two Kain's actually looked back up this fanfic by a few paragraphs and found that indeed the Soul Reaver, being the self-preserving evil entity that it is, did indeed abandoned ship and head into the sewers. Without further fighting/hitting/punching the two Kain's made their way into the sewers to retrieve his/their sword.  
  
* * *  
  
Sebastian: And that, Sarafan Lord, is how we found these six standing outside of the Chronoplast chamber.  
  
Sarafan Lord: I see. But what part of Marcus tap-dancing did it have to do with it?  
  
Sebastian: It just did. And that vampire over there says he'll slay the dragon for us. (Points over to Dumah, who is trying to look as heroic as possible, which isn't very hard)  
  
Sarafan Lord: So you will slay the dragon?  
  
Dumah: (Puffing out his chest) Yes, I will. See these muscles? Years of training with every known weapon, running and climbing every cliff that has crossed my path and fighting off ever vicious monster has made me strong. I am even stronger than Kain himself.  
  
Melchiah: Then how come dad always manages to throw you out the window every time when you try to wrestle him?  
  
Dumah: (Kicks Melchiah in the chest) So where is this dragon?  
  
Faustus: (To Melchiah) Did that hurt?  
  
Turel: Nah, he's use to it. Usually it's worse; an arm tears off and we have to sew it back on.  
  
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face)  
  
Raziel: (Poking Marcus in the arm) Excuse me.  
  
Marcus: Yes?  
  
Raziel: You have a bald head and it looks like you wax it everyday, so if you would kindly lower your head like so then I shall be able to look at it like a mirror and see my beautiful reflection.  
  
Marcus: (Indignant) Hey, I didn't ask to be bald. It just happened!  
  
Melchiah: (Picking himself up off the floor) I know the feeling. Premature balding, right?  
  
Marcus: How did you know?  
  
Melchiah: I have the same problem.  
  
Marcus: (Eyes watering) Finally, someone who understands what it's like to be bald.  
  
Melchiah: (Eyes watering as well) The pain!  
  
As Marcus and Melchiah both went on and on about sharing the pain, trials and tribulations of being bald, Raziel got bored with this display of emotion and being a vampire with a short attention span, walked off somewhere in the Keep to look for a mirror in which he could examine himself in all his glory. Umah, who at the moment was quietly looking at everything around, decided to beat a retreat since everything was getting out of hand, in her opinion anyway, and went off to find the nearest guestroom and ransack the clothing in the wardrobes. She would find that the Sarafan Lord lived quite well, dressing up in high heels and wearing frocks and dresses made from the best silk and -  
  
Dumah: Hey! Bring this story back to me!!!! To me!  
  
Sebastian: Yes. The more you prattle on and on about stupid little things like the Sarafan Lord's secret hobbies, the more the dragon is burning Meridian to the ground. The latest reports show that the petting zoo went up in a not so surprising blaze of glory.  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Anguished cry) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The lambs - they never stood a chance! The poor little, fluffy white babies!!!  
  
Rahab: Well, at least you don't bother having to cook them when you want to eat them.  
  
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face turns even more queasy; then without a backwards look runs out of the room to the nearest toilet with the new plumbing, one might add)  
  
Turel: Maybe someone might want to hold his hair up out of his face while he's throwing up?  
  
Rahab: (Shaking his head) It wouldn't be such a good idea. What happens if -  
  
Dumah: SHUT UP! Everyone pay attention to me, the savior of all Meridian! (Turns to the Sarafan Lord) All right, what I need is a suit of armour -- maybe like yours -- a helmet -- like yours -- and a purple cape -- just like YOURS!! And I want the Soul Reaver, too.  
  
Sarafan Lord: I'm not giving you my armour! And I will not give you my sword.  
  
Sebastian: Milord, I believe it would be in the best interest that you did give this vampire all he's asking for. He is willing to slay the dragon, for free I might add, and we all know that if it's for free then one doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.  
  
Zephon: A gift horse? Where?  
  
Melchiah: An actual horse with a gift in its mouth? (Whips out a camera) I have to take a picture of it. It'll complete my series of pictures like 'Jumbo shrimp' and 'Signs with Hilarious Names On Them'.  
  
Marcus: (Deadpan) And besides, Dumah seems to be the only one who is able to keep his mind on the plot at this moment.  
  
Sarafan Lord: Fine. But he still can't hold the Soul Reaver; I have a warranty on this thing, you know?  
  
So the Sarafan Lord did what Dumah asked, giving him a whole set of golden armour which wasn't cheap one might add, a helm just like his own which Dumah isn't wearing but that doesn't matter and a purple cape that billowed out dramatically behind the vampire lord, even if there was no opened window in which the wind could come through. So the Lieutenants (Rahab and Zephon dragging behind them a Raziel holding on to a full length golden mirror that he got from the treasury), the Sarafan Lord, Sebastian, Marcus and a not so queasy looking Faustus made their way to the main gates of Meridian, where the sinister dragon that loved to torch stuff and make the popular Self Combustion Theory come to life as well as many other things was waiting for the challenger. The dragon knew there was a challenger because someone in Meridian was actual smart or stupid enough to send a message to the dragon and then get eaten themselves but once again this is going off onto a tangent and we need to get back to the loose story and plot in general. The dragon was hidden from view at the moment, but did this matter to Dumah?  
  
NO, because his I.Q. is especially low even by vampire standards, which is somewhere in the 20 - 50 range, so he didn't know what was about to happen, but everyone else could make a very good guess.  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Standing just above the gates with the group, and hiding behind about 50 other Sarafan Guards) Open the gates to let the idiot -- I mean, the CHALLENGER out!  
  
Dumah: (Standing in front of the opening gates; at least he remembered to put on his helm) I challenge you dragon! (Walks out of the gates and looks for the dragon) Where are you? Show yourself! I am invincible!  
  
Turel: (Calling from his vantage point) Dumah, don't say that!  
  
Dumah: What?  
  
Turel: Don't say you're invincible. You just made the second mistake in this fanfic. You never say you're invincible because when you do, something is going to happen to prove that you're weak and you'll get the crap pounded out of you!  
  
Indeed, Turel was right! Hell, if Turel wasn't so smart then he wouldn't of been able to escape from Raziel in the first and second 'Soul Reaver' games. The gates swung shut behind Dumah, leaving him standing outside waiting for his inevitable doom. Somebody played the funeral dirge on an organ and that was when it happened. A big, black, dark, inky, ebony, murky, sable, nefarious, evil -  
  
Everyone: Get on with the story!!!  
  
- shadow passed over Dumah. The vampire had to crouch down as the wind nearly picked him up and threw him into the canyon walls. The earth shuddered for a moment, signaling the dragon had settled down on the ground and looked at the tiny vampire standing in front of it.  
  
Sebastian: I can't believe it!  
  
Marcus: Who would of thought it?  
  
Turel: Well obviously I didn't!  
  
Rahab: This goes against all conventional thinking!  
  
Faustus: It's so -  
  
Melchiah: -weird. (Snapping photos of the dragon)  
  
Zephon: Is this a conspiracy of some sort?  
  
Sarafan Lord: I am amazed. (Everyone looks to Raziel to say his line)  
  
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) I am indeed on hell of a sexy bitch! (Finally looks at the dragon) AHHHH!  
  
Indeed the dragon was different from what everyone had expected.  
  
It was cute.  
  
It was cuddly.  
  
It was not as long as it's shadow thought many to believe; by dragon standards this one was a little bit on the tubby side.  
  
Its wings were small yet somehow it was able to fly with them.  
  
The eyes, instead of being the burning evil red that all thought it to be, were in fact wide, blue and looking sweet.  
  
And it was a fluffy pink dragon.  
  
Dumah: (Sarcastically) This is the dragon that's burning everything to the ground? Well, it doesn't matter. Off to work I go!  
  
And with that, Dumah charged the dragon with the trademark broadsword he carried, shouting out his battle cry. The fluffy pink dragon watched amusing as the knight raced towards it, then taking in a small breath and with a Poof! sent a small fireball that neatly toasted, but did not burn, Dumah. He stood there for a few moments, a dumb expression on his face from under the helm, and then fell back completely.  
  
Zephon: We're all doomed.  
  
Uh-oh, it looked like Zephon had made the third mistake in this fanfic!  
  
Zephon: I did? (Gets whacked in the head by Rahab)  
  
Yes, he did. See, no matter how bad it is this story could become even worse off that it already is. The pink dragon stood over the prone and smoking form of Dumah and cautiously sniffed the vampire. Dumah groaned slightly but didn't move. Then the fluffy pink dragon picked up Dumah and looked him over.  
  
Raziel: (Screams like a girl) AHH! He's going to eat our brother!!!!  
  
The fluffy pink dragon really did consider Raziel's words for a few moments, and then flipped off Dumah's helm to get a good look at the person before it ate them. And that was when everyone figured everything out.  
  
Faustus: Hey, that dragon's a girl!  
  
Sebastian: How can you tell?  
  
Faustus: The colour, for one. But because this dragon has eyelashes and manicured nails! See?  
  
And wouldn't you believe it, Faustus was right. This dragon did have eyelashes that did look very nice on her and claws that were painted a complimenting colour to her pink scales. But then this little pink dragon looked at Dumah, now helmless, and fell completely in love with the charred but still breathing vampire. Plucking Dumah up by the cape with her sharp teeth, the fluffy pink dragon haughtily turned her head away from Meridian, which wasn't burning as much anymore because of a storm moving in on the western front which the meteorologists had predicted; flapped her wings a few times and was airborne.  
  
Turel: Hey, she's taking away Dumah!  
  
Zephon: That's worse than being eaten!  
  
Rahab: Dumah!!!!! Come back!!!  
  
Melchiah: How can he come back? He's unconscious; he's flying, and even if he did get away from the dragon then he would fall to the ground below and become a pancake.  
  
Rahab: Oh, just try and add some drama to this story, will you?!  
  
Raziel: Dad's going to kill us, you all know!  
  
Sebastian: Well, that's not our problem!  
  
Marcus: Actually, I think it might be. Kain will accuse us of getting his sons into trouble and then he'll come after us.  
  
Faustus: Which Kain?  
  
Marcus: Does it really matter at this point in time?  
  
Faustus: No.  
  
Turel: We need to get our brother back! Quick, everyone into the Chronoplast chamber!  
  
Rahab: Why?  
  
Turel: Because we'll just set the coordinates back in time before we came here, then Dumah will have never been taken away and therefore dad will not kick our butts.  
  
Zephon: Nah, that's too complex. We'll just go back even further in time, grab Janos Audron before he was killed and bring him back here and he'll save Dumah.  
  
Melchiah: Yeah, that might work.  
  
Sarafan Lord: But that's even more complex than the idea that Turel gave you all!  
  
Sebastian: Not with their 'I'm 1,000 Years In The Future' thinking!  
  
Raziel: Hey, isn't it supposed to be that Janos Audron is still alive in this time?  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Sweating) I have NO idea what you are all talking about!  
  
Turel: Everyone to the Chronoplast chamber! AWAY!!!!  
  
And with that the five Lieutenants, Raziel still holding onto his golden full length mirror, rushed back through the no longer burning streets of Meridian to the Time Streaming device while at the same time not trying to get hit by the rain. Unfortunately, they completely forgot about the older Kain being stuck in Meridian at this time, but hey, we'll come back to this little problem in a bit.  
  
Sarafan Lord: I sure hope so. 


	3. The Lieutenants Goes Further Back Into T...

So the Lieutenants, in all their intellectual glory, messed around with the Chronoplast chamber again and set it back about 500 more years in time, to before the collapse of the Pillars and when the Pillar Guardian were still enjoying their discounts over at the Suzy Spa House and getting free meals from everyone they met on the street. All five leapt into the weird blue light, hoping that they would all land where they were suppose to land. Raziel was, of course, still holding onto his precious golden full-length mirror, but unfortunately when they came out of the chamber, the Lieutenant lost his delicate hold on it and it broke.  
  
Raziel: (Sobbing loudly) NOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Melchiah: Would you stop that? You crying over your mirrors is so two chapters old already!  
  
Rahab: But it shows just was a self-absorbed, egotistical bastard Raziel really is.  
  
Turel looked around the Chronoplast chamber and opened the door so that the five of them could leave. Rahab had to console a still very sad Raziel but it looked like he would get over it within the next two hours, hopefully. The five brothers stood in one of the massive hallways in the Sarafan Fortress, which wasn't a very good place to be in at the moment if you were a vampire, which they indeed were, but they didn't care to go on this little line of logic. After purchasing a Map of Nosgoth at the local Tourist Booth, the brothers decided upon their next move.  
  
Zephon: So does anyone know where we have to go exactly?  
  
Melchiah: Not really. I never actually thought we would be doing something like this. We're five hundred years too early in this time, and a thousand more considering our real time that we come from. We have never been here before.  
  
Raziel: Yes, we have.  
  
Turel: When?  
  
Raziel: When we were still humans and Sarafan warlords. Before Kain resurrected us as vampires.  
  
Rahab: (Somewhat stunned) Dear God Raziel, that's brilliant thinking. But how did you know all of that? You're just the handsome bimbo in this story.  
  
Raziel pulled out the complete strategy guide of 'Soul Reaver' 1 and 2, showing them to his brothers and pointing out the whole plotline. After this was all said and done, the Lieutenants couldn't really say anything on the matter, except Zephon. He of course always had something to say.  
  
Zephon: It's a conspiracy!  
  
Turel: No more X-Files for you, damnit! Look all we need is to get to Ulshciis---Ulrich---Ulsstimenn---the place where Janos lives with the unpronounceable German name that can't even be spelt right by the author of this fanfic, right? We grab him, bring Janos back here, and go into time again, save Dumah, and then we go home with him.  
  
Rahab: Sounds like a good plan.  
  
Suddenly around the corner came the six Sarafan warlords who also went by the names of Raziel, Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Melchiah and Zephon. The two groups looked at each other, stares were exchanged and then the dam broke.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Hey, that guy looks just like me, only a little bit more handsome. I cannot stand having someone as well dressed or more beautiful than me running around. (Takes out his sword) I will kill you!  
  
Raziel: (Deadpan) Run.  
  
And indeed the five Lieutenants ran with their human counterparts chasing after them. If this somehow creates a change in history then it will not be mentioned but either way if one were to see another one of themselves from another point of time then I suppose a change in history would be called, but this will now go unmentioned. So the vampires fled down the hallways as quickly as possible with the Sarafan chasing behind them and swearing loudly and verbally, learning it from the cassette tapes they bought off the internet which were called 'Learn How To Swear Like A Pro' and only $5.99 each; a real bargain.  
  
Turel: Down this hall. (Points to a hall to his right)  
  
They all turned down that hallway and for some reason their Sarafan counterparts were already there.  
  
Sarafan Turel: How dare you mock my voice, imposter! I will kill you! And even if our facial structure is somewhat similar, I do not have pointed ears and by every right they should not be that big.  
  
Turel: Hey, lay off of me, I've had a rough day.  
  
Sarafan Zephon: It's a conspiracy, I tell you people. They are exactly like us in every way, voices and even the way they hold themselves.  
  
Rahab: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! (Points to Zephon) He's just like you, before you became a vampire! The interests haven't changed at all!  
  
Sarafan Rahab: (To Sarafan Zephon) That's it, no more Y-Files for you, Zephon!  
  
While all this pointless bickering and arguing is taking place, Melchiah (the vampire) has edged his way over to another hallway and began running down it. This is unhighly Melchiah-like; if anything Melchiah is the last one left behind to suffer a cruel fate at the hands of his captives, like the time they left him with Jehovah's Witnesses for over three hours and only went back get him because he held the combination to Kain's secret stash.  
  
Rahab: (Whispering to Turel) What should we do?  
  
Turel: I know! I have hit upon a brilliant idea.  
  
Sarafan Turel: Is this where you will try and give us all wedgies and then bash our heads in with our weapons?  
  
Turel: --Maybe.  
  
Sarafan Dumah: Because we thought of that first!  
  
Raziel: Oh, poor Dumah. Just hearing you makes me think of our brother Dumah, taking by a fluffy pink dragon to become some sort of husband, one would assume.  
  
Sarafan Dumah: What?  
  
Even in his life as a human, Dumah still didn't have an exceptionally high I.Q. But then what Raziel was saying to him didn't make much sense because he didn't know what the future held for him come the next (begins to do the math) next 400 to 500 years.  
  
Sarafan Rahab: Enough of this pointless chatter and hopelessly impossible mathematical equations about time/space and matter. Let us be done with these vampires. Kill them all!  
  
So the Sarafan warlords charged down the corridor towards the vampires when suddenly Melchiah rounded the corner in a sleek F-1 racing car, painted yellow of course, and raced the Sarafan down. Then he backed over them to make sure they were indeed dead, and drove over them a couple more times just to make sure that they were really, really, really, really dead, since in the Nosgoth world people who you think are dead actually come back many, many times.  
  
Zephon: Where did you get the car?  
  
Melchiah: I rented it from the shop just outside the fortress.  
  
Rahab: Oh. Will we be able to get some?  
  
Melchiah: Sure. Follow me.  
  
So the vampires followed Melchiah outside the fortress, leaving the bodies of the Sarafan warlords behind to be entombed whenever someone stumbled over the horribly, horribly mangled bodies. Of course, before Raziel actually left the fortress, he snuck back over to his Sarafan self, and rifled though the pockets until he came across a mirror. Immensely pleased with himself, he added some more black lipstick and continued on his way. The Lieutenants rented the F-1 racing cars from the shop just outside the fortress, which was runned by Azimuth and Anacrothe.  
  
Turel: Why is that?  
  
Azimuth: Because being a Pillar Guardian only pays so much. We need more income.  
  
Anacrothe: Yeah, and it's been a passion of ours to grow and raise racing cars for a long time.  
  
Zephon: But they're pieces of metal. So how can you grow them?  
  
Azimuth and Anacrothe declined to tell the group exactly how F-1 racing cars were grown in Nosgoth, but they could guess it had something to do with the stork, the Pillars and oil. They rented their racing cars, all colour coded of course, then headed off down the road to Ullshi---Ulmiki--- Ustrick---  
  
Lieutenants: Get off of it already!  
  
They headed off to the town with the unpronounceable name where Janos was living, which also boasted an 18 hole golf course, a mini putt, a chess championship, ice skating when it was cold enough for the lake to freeze and even a cinema.  
  
Turel: Sweet! And now there will be nothing to stop us from saving Dumah.  
  
Tut tut, Turel. You made the fourth mistake in this fanfic.  
  
Rahab: (Ramming his car into Turel's) Idiot!  
  
Turel: What mistake did I make? Was it similar to number three?  
  
No, number three is when you say *flips back a few pages* nothing worse could happen but then something does. Number four is when something will automatically stop you from reaching your goal because you became overconfident in your abilities to save your brother.  
  
Melchiah: We're doomed!  
  
Damn straight! And since you guys really don't know where to go without the map, which Zephon bought for about 50 cents, you'll be aimlessly wandering around for hours.  
  
Zephon: I still have the map! (Holding it above his head)  
  
And the map was suddenly caught by a fierce wind, which blew it clear across the fields, mountains, lakes and rivers of Nosgoth until it floated out across the ocean and headed towards the land of lost maps, all the while shouting 'I'm free, free!'  
  
Raziel: (Bashing his car into Zephon's) Jackass!  
  
Now we will turn our attentions back towards the two Kain's who are in the Meridian sewer systems at the moment, vainly looking for the Soul Reaver.  
  
Raziel: Hey, you can't leave us high and dry here! People will want to know what's going to happen to us!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah, seriously!  
  
Too bad. The Lieutenants began to scream and yell as they continued to drive away, the screen fading out from them and leaving a To Be Continued sign floating in the darkness.  
  
* * * *  
  
Both Kain's were walking down the stinky, slimy, pus and garbage ridden filled (not to mention the rats) sewers of Meridian, which had not been cleaned in a long time because of the Sewer System Clean Crew because they were on strike, hoping for better benefits and shorter hours, not to mention a decent dental plan. The younger Kain was bragging on and on to the older Kain about his achievements, which was nothing new to the older Kain because he had already done all of those things that the younger version of him was talking about, even if he could not remember getting drunk a couple of times and dressing up as a girl or can-caning around the Pillars while they fell. Ah, age makes you forget many things-  
  
Kain: Sorry to interrupt, but could we stop the reminiscing and get on to the actual loose plot? I'd like to find the Soul Reaver from the future and get the hell out of here.  
  
Younger Kain: Wait! You mean after we find the sword I have to give it back to you?  
  
Kain: Yes, you do. Your sword is still with the Sarafan Lord and you need to get it from him while the one in the sewers is mine from the future. It will create a big paradox is the Soul Reaver's meet up, like the time in 'Soul Reaver 2'.  
  
Younger Kain: I'm confused.  
  
Kain: You'll understand in about the next 2 millenniums. Until that time, we must find the sword.  
  
Younger Kain: There it is! (Points ahead of him and jumps up and down)  
  
Kain: Hey, that mouse has it!  
  
Indeed, a mouse did have the Soul Reaver. Even if the sword was 10 times the size and weight of the mouse, it was somehow managing to drag it away. But this was not just any mouse from any sewer. This was the Mr. Whispers mouse, which was introduced back in chapter 1.  
  
Kain: Oh come off of it already.  
  
Both Kain's began to chase after Mr. Whispers, who was frantically dragging the Soul Reaver away as fast as possible, holding the pommel of the sword in it's cute little mouth and putting one little paw in front of the other, determined to go on and-  
  
Younger Kain: We didn't ask for any drama!  
  
Kain: So cut it out.  
  
But drama is needed. Mr. Whispers squeaked as both the vampires towered over her, now sure that she would never get away.  
  
Kain: You have that right, mouse.  
  
But Mr. Whispers had come from the Canyons of Meridian, which was a place to very old and ancient traditions. All the whispering mice of the Canyons, from a very early age, learned the skills of Squeaky Squeak Nanana, which is their own mouse form of self-defense.  
  
Younger Kain: That is so cheesy. How the hell does a mouse know kung fu? I ask the question again: How does a mouse know kung fu?  
  
The older Kain tried to clamp a hand down on the younger Kain's mouth, but Mr. Whispers had heard the younger Kain ask just how a mouse did know kung fu and she would show him. Dropping the Soul Reaver, the whispering mouse stood up on her hind legs and made a miniature karate yell. Then, in a blur of blue fur and big ears, she proceeded to kick the younger Kain's butt via moves from the 'Matrix' a movie that had been playing at the local Meridian cinema before the dragon burned that down as well.  
  
Younger Kain: Ouch that- (Getting hit in the head) hurts like a bitch! Kain- -- (Gets a double kick in the knee) help your younger self!  
  
The older and not as handsome Kain considered this carefully. Did he really want to help himself when he was younger; being beaten up on a mouse like this?  
  
Kain: I don't think so. (Grabs the Soul Reaver) I have what I came for, and the younger me will learn a lesson in not angering the narrator of the story. Toddles!  
  
With that said and done, the older Kain swung the Soul Reaver over his shoulder, cutting himself with the blade and began to walk back down the sewer system to the open manhole where he first came in. But the younger Kain would have his revenge against the older version of himself; it was just the way he was, after all. Grabbing Mr. Whispers by the tail, the younger Kain whirled the mouse over his head and sent her spinning and flying down the sewer tunnel. She nearly hit the wall, but thanks to the small parachute she had equipped before take-off, she opened it and coasted gently to the ground, then went on her way back to the Sarafan Fortress to tell Marcus everything that had happened.  
  
Younger Kain: Kain, come back here and let me beat the stuffing out of you.  
  
Kain: (Running away in a not so heroic fashion) I think not!  
  
So the two began to run around the sewer system, crashing in walls, pipes and gratings. Some pipe that the younger Kain shredded actually controlled the water pressure to the church in the Upper City and the holy water went missing, resulting in the babies being unable to be baptized and turned them into little demons. The older Kain messed around with a few pressure handles, causing steam to shoot out and hit the younger him, burning a lovely scar across his pale white chest and which also incidentally turned off all the heat in the Slums and Den of Meridian, as well as the Glyph energy.  
  
Faustus, who was watching WWF at the moment on his television with the quality surround sound, lost the picture and started ranting and raving, throwing his TV out the window where it hit two thieves beating up on an older man. The older man considered this a miracle, never knowing that it was not an angel who saved him but an angry vampire who got his TV cable cut out because of two other angry vampires trying to rule the world in the sewers below. But that's once again beside the whole point.  
  
Now somehow or someway that will also not be explained, both Kain's continued down the network of pipes and tunnels and then exited, not ending up in Meridian but outside the city itself. Now the younger Kain had at this time pried up a massive boulder and was about to throw it at the older version of himself, but that was when the demon swooped down and began to attack the younger and more handsome version of Kain.  
  
Younger Kain: Ahh, help me! Help me!!!!!  
  
The other Kain knew that he couldn't let the younger version of himself get injured or die in this time, so he swallowed his massive pride and inflated ego and helped out the younger version of himself. Which meant Kain had to take the Soul Reaver and destroy the demon, which took too long for him to kill in his opinion. But either way the deed was done and the younger Kain was saved from the demon, which turned out to be a hybrid between some sort of invisible white bunny and a skeleton.  
  
Kain: How does that work out?  
  
You got me. I just write this stuff.  
  
Younger Kain: You saved my life. I owe you.  
  
Kain: Oh dear, don't get mushy on me. You better not.  
  
Younger Kain: (Grins) I meant like this!  
  
And the younger Kain picked up his rock and bashed the older Kain over the head with it, effectively knocking the vampire emperor out stone cold on the ground, unable to move, somewhere far off in la-la land. And then Kain took off once again to the middle of nowhere (reference to the Middle of Nowhere found in chapter 2) and leaving himself behind. The older Kain looked like he would not wake up for a long time in the Canyons, which was filled with demons and other horrible things, like vacuum cleaner salesmen, but we will end the chapter here in the knowledge that Kain is in trouble, the Lieutenants are going to be in some form of trouble later down the line, and that Dumah hasn't been rescued yet and is most likely unconscious.  
  
* * * * 


	4. Dumah and the Fluffy Pink Dragon! Avalan...

DHA is sitting down in the middle of a darkened library, like something off of a Sherlock Holmes movie, at a desk with her feet propped up and a large book in her hands. She studiously fixes up her glasses and looks at the readers.  
  
DHA: Hello people. This is an intermission by the by, in case you people don't know. (Closes the book) Now, where were we last in this messed up story? (Opens up the book again, leafs through it, then closes it again) Oh yeah. The Lieutenants are in the past, past of Nosgoth, Dumah has been carted off by the fluffy pink dragon who has fallen in love with him - and he doesn't know it yet, the younger Kain is heading off to the middle of nowhere and the older Kain is knocked out in the Canyons. (Gets up and looks out the window, where a group of people are playing a massive game of chess, then looks at the readers) Well, I believe that brings us up to date, I think. Bah, not that I care to look things over intently, I rarely do.  
  
Goes back over to the desk and sits down, then gives something of a scream/yell as the chair collapses underneath her. In the dark corners of the room, snickering is heard.  
  
DHA: (Getting up woozily) And now.without further - (holds up a piece of the broken chair) - the 4th chapter of - (throws the wood into the darkness and hits the person on the head) - 'Days of Insanity'. Someone please call the chiropractor. I'm hurt, very badly.  
  
* * * *  
  
Dumah had seen a bunch of weird things in his life. Hell, if he was to think back really, really, really hard, he could remember when he started out as a fledgling. Of course, those memories he did not want to remember he always remembered and the important stuff was always forgotten. Dumah recalled when he walked in on Raziel playing computer games then having his older brother beg him not to tell anyone because then everyone would consider Raziel a geek, or the time he came across the Zephonim Clan all play-acting to the X-Files (Zephon as Mulder, of course) and walked straight back out only to fall into the water and realized that Rahab liked to go swimming in his birthday suit and nothing else. But the worse memory that he remembered but wished to forget (Is everyone following here? Good) was when Kain was dressed in a 17th century Frenchman costume and playing a tune on the lute for Ariel.  
  
But what Dumah was seeing before his eyes right now was just the weirdest piece of *insert a combination of colourful swear words here* he had ever seen. The fluffy pink dragon was staring intently at him, her massive yet very cute head just inches from his own. Her eyelashes, which had been redone into a nice purple colour to match the colour of Dumah's clan cape, fluttered rapidly in front of the vampire. This of course started a small wind that swept Dumah up against the far wall and if it wasn't for the armour he was wearing, then he would have had a broken back. Wait a minute, check back on the armour!  
  
*Rewinding sound, then a slow-mo into a stop*  
  
Oh, Dumah's NOT wearing any armour. In fact, he's only wearing his leather pants and that's that.  
  
Dumah: WHAT?! What happened to my armour and my sword and my helmet and everything else?  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?  
  
Dumah: (Looks warily at the dragon) Did you take my armour?  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Nods her head) Mew meow mix! (Puckers up her red lips towards Dumah)  
  
Dumah: AH! Get away from me, I don't go for dragons! I'm a dangerous vampire lord so fear my wrath! (Swings out at the dragon and hits her on the snout)  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Begins to bawl) Meowwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!  
  
And Dumah felt very badly at that moment. He had hit an amorous fluffy pink dragon right on the snout because he was not really lashing out at her, but at the hopeless situation he was in at the moment and she was the closest thing to take the blame to.  
  
Dumah: (Uncomfortable) That's not true!  
  
Yes it is. Admit it Dumah, if you can't handle a situation, you react violently. Like the time you threw Melchiah out the window because he beat you at chess.  
  
Dumah: Well look at the mess I'm in! (Shouting to be heard over the sobs of the dragon) She's got the hots for me for some reason or other, I'm a captive in this big cave without my armour (Points to the massive and dark and dreary cave then at himself) and I can't do anything about it. So yeah, maybe I do get a little violent! But not as badly as -  
  
Then Dumah realized that the sobbing dragon was looking at him the whole time, holding a massive white lace handkerchief and blowing into it. And then he also realized that he did feel rather badly for the fluffy pink dragon. Hell, it wasn't everyday that someone carted him off as a prisoner in a form of twisted dragon/vampire love. He had honestly expected something like that to happen to Raziel, not to him. And in a sense, it was rather flattering that-  
  
Dumah: SHUT UP! If I apologize, will you stop this whole thing?  
  
-I can consider it.  
  
Dumah: Good enough. (Goes up to the dragon) Look, stop crying or the Dragons Rights People will be after me.  
  
The fluffy pink dragon wiped her eyes and looked at Dumah.  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?  
  
Dumah: Just stop crying. It's embarrassing for both you and me. Ack!  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Picks up Dumah and plants a massive kiss on him, which results in a lot of red lipstick smeared across his) Meow mew reowr mew mow!  
  
Dumah: Okay. (Thinking to himself - an impressive feat!) At times like this I wished I listened to Rahab trying to teach me dragonese instead of lightning matchbooks instead!  
  
The dragon moved Dumah up onto a high shelf where his armour sat, all neatly polished by the busy working bees of Nosgoth, which worked for the Fluffy Pink Dragon when they had the time, which was quite a bit because these bees aren't as busy as the 'busy bee' theory is concerned.  
  
Dumah: Alright, my armour! (Begins to get into it) Do you have anything to eat, dragon?  
  
The dragon considered for a moment, then turned and quickly pattered out of the cave, her little pink tail hitting a rocky outcropping on the way out and smashing it to dust. Dumah, having finished putting on his armour, seriously considered escaping which was only natural when someone was captured. But the shelf the fluffy pink dragon had put him on was a bit to high to jump or climb down and he did not want to end up smashed to bits, because then it would show he wasn't all that strong as he made himself out to be. Like the time Dumah said he could bench press an 18-wheeler, which he did, but then had to go to the emergency room in the Human Citadel because he had slipped two discs in his spine.  
  
Dumah: Judging from the rocks, the formation of the cave and the way the wind comes in from the opening which is too far away for me to jump or reach, I would say I am on a high cliff, in the middle -- of nowhere. (A fairy comes flying by, then is grabbed by Dumah) Where am I?  
  
Fairy: Wha?  
  
Dumah: Look, I'm a vampire on the edge, fairy and I need to know where I am right now if you want to keep your ridiculous 'Ferngully' style wings on your back!  
  
Fairy: Oh, okay! (Takes out a map and spreads it out on Dumah's wrist) Let's see, judging by the coordinates from the sun and moon, with the whatchamacallits with the rotation of the stars and the mystical time/matter around here in the cave, and not to mention the factoring of the wind and spirits that fly through the cave and the time I ate that really bad cheese which gave me gas for a week and killed a few dogs, I would say -- the Middle of Nowhere!  
  
Dumah: Wha? (Trying to comprehend all of what the fairy said) There's actually a place called that?  
  
Fairy: Yeah, and you're in the Middle of Nowhere. (Rolls up the map) Sorry I can't be of any help to you buddy. I've been trying to get out of here, too.  
  
Dumah: -- And how long has that been?  
  
Fairy: (Whips out a PX-556 Calculator, which is only 299$ at the local Nosgoth Dollar Store) About three hundred years, give or take a time loop or five. Later.  
  
And with that the fairy, which was not much help to begin with and holding the expensive calculator in his hands, flew away. Dumah, feeling pissed and helpless once again, pried up a rock and chucked it at the mystical being, who was hit in the head and fell to the ground and right into an opened lava vent, screamed horribly a couple of times and then burnt up. Feeling better, Dumah?  
  
Dumah: Yes.  
  
Then the dragon came back, holding someone kicking and screaming like a little girl in her mouth.  
  
Dumah: Yeah, dinner! (Licking his fangs and realizing just how hungry he is)  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Drops the 'food') Meow!  
  
Younger Kain: (Looks at Dumah and points the Soul Reaver at him) You!  
  
Dumah: Dad! (Thinks to himself -- wow, twice in one day, who'd of thought of this?) If I eat dad here and now, I can absorb his powers and become even stronger, so that when I leave here and head back to my original time, then I will be the strongest vampire in the land. And as a bonus point, I get the Soul Reaver. Oh yeah, it's all coming together.  
  
Younger Kain: (Looking at the dragon) Help me get out of here and I will reward you greatly, my son-from-the-future or so it seems at this moment in time. Hey, why are you smiling like that? Stop advancing on me! I mean it stay back. I have powers. Political and sword-like powers!  
  
The younger Kain waved the Soul Reaver at Dumah, who was advancing on him with an evil look in his eyes (which isn't hard to begin with) and his talons spread, fangs ready to rent the flesh from the younger Kain's bones, who wasn't going to look very handsome -  
  
Younger Kain: WHAT?! You can't let this happen to me! (Starts wailing)  
  
And now we will leave this climatic scene in favour of what is happening to the five Lieutenants at the moment.  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Trying out a wedding veil) Meow reow?  
  
Yes, do not worry. The Dragon Infinity Chapel has been booked and as soon as Dumah is finished eating you can head over there and get the service started. And no, I don't think he realizes what's about to happen.  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Snickers evilly; joined by the narrator)  
  
* * * *  
  
Raziel: Insert Fire Reaver into slot and wait for the elevator to come down. Please keep your arms and legs inside the elevator at all times and hold onto the hands rails. Not responsible for accidental deaths or acts of Gods. (Measured silence) So does anyone know what the Fire Reaver is or where we can get it?  
  
The oldest sibling turns to look at the rest of the group. They're all standing ankle deep in the snow, trying to warm up in the parkas as best as they can. Turel is wearing massive earmuffs with tiger strips on it, Rahab has about three scarves wrapped around his neck, Zephon is wearing a ski hat and goggles that he took off the last skier they passed and Melchiah has a musher's hat on his bald head. Raziel, of course, has opted to wear only the parka, which is red, because as he tried to explain to his brothers if he wanted to look cool and sexy to any passing girls, then he could not afford to dress up like a geek. But then, it was his chest that was getting frozen, not to mention his - nah, we won't write that down.  
  
Melchiah: (Teeth chattering) I don't know what the Fire Reaver is, but as long as it's warm I'd like to be around it.  
  
Rahab: Even if you burn up?  
  
Melchiah: Yeah. Who's idea was it to sell off the F-1 racing cars and buy the winter gear, which by the way isn't helping and then decided that walking all the way through the snow was an enjoyable pastime to get to Janos' home?  
  
Everyone looks at Zephon, who is flopping down in the snow and making snow angels, which somehow turn out to be snow spiders because every time Zephon tries to make a snow angel a spider form one way or another takes its place instead. Go figure, and he's not even a spider -- oops, I have said too much.  
  
Zephon: (Gets up from the snow) What? Oh yeah, blame the little guy, huh? It's not my fault I lost the map and we wandered around in the mountains for two days. Sure, blame poor old Zephon for walking everyone but himself into the snow leopard's cave and then running away or blame me for causing the avalanche, which I did not do. I couldn't help but sneeze. If anything, blame Turel for getting us booted out of the ice rink because he wanted to test Rahab's theory that a tongue would stick to the ice; and we were having fun.  
  
Turel: Zephon.  
  
Zephon: What?  
  
Turel: Shut up!  
  
Zephon huffed and puffed, then stomped off into the deeper drifts of snow to unleash his rage against the poor Frosty the Snowman, who was half-way to the north pole but wouldn't get any further because without his head and not to mention his magic hat, Frosty is incapable of thought. But once again this is breaking away from the story. Back to what matters.  
  
Rahab: (Fixes his glasses; glasses freeze to his talon) Damn it. So where might we come across this Fire Reaver, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: I don't know. I just read the instructions.  
  
Turel: Move aside. (Pushes Raziel out of the way and looks at the elevator near the Fire Reaver slot) Maybe if we mess around with it enough, something will work.  
  
So Turel began tinkering with the Fire Reaver opening, which means he jammed his talons into it, then stomped on it, then took off his earmuffs and stuffed them into the opening which only got them ruined - a waste of 45$ in Melchiah's silent opinion - then finally screamed and ran at the Fire Reaver slot with his arms flailing through the air, bashing into it and collapsing into the snow, making a perfect snow angel.  
  
Rahab: Give up?  
  
Turel: Shut up. Hey, that rhymes.  
  
Raziel: Why don't we just make a bunch of snow steps leading up to that broken balcony up there, which I am sure leads to Janos' bedroom or game room or something like that.  
  
Melchiah: Hey, that isn't such a bad idea.  
  
Rahab: It holds merit.  
  
And so the four brothers set about making snow steps, even if they were of poor quality. A couple of times the steps collapsed with Rahab underneath them, but after they got him free the Lieutenants set back to working on them again. Turel had to constantly remind Raziel to not make anything extravagant, but Raziel wasn't listening. If anything, he was trying to polish the snow to make, you guessed it, a snow mirror. Melchiah, after making the 254th step and about halfway up to the broken balcony, looked around and frowned.  
  
Melchiah: Where's Zephon? How'd he get out of this work?  
  
Raziel: He's taking out his anger on Frosty the Snowman and the rest of Santa's Village that is around the corner. I don't think he'll be on Santa's good boy list this year.  
  
Turel: (Looks at the destroyed village with the broken bodies of the small elves and the not so jolly but very red and bloody form of Santa, as well as the reindeer and the flaming houses) He's not there anymore.  
  
Rahab: (Glasses have finally come off his finger and back on his nose, even if they are frozen to the skin now) So where is he? ZEPHON!  
  
Rahab, with his shouting in the mountains surrounding Janos's fortress, started an avalanche, which was far greater than anything ever before recorded in the history of Nosgoth. The wall of snow swept down the mountains towards the fortress, took out the stairs yet somehow managed to miss the Lieutenants, and careened into the lower valleys where at the moment Moebius was learning to ski with the help of Ariel. Moebius wasn't that great a skier to begin with and dressed in the grey spandex suit, most people had purposefully injured themselves on the slope so they wouldn't see the Time Streamer's bony bottom. Most notably was the way Mortanius 'accidentally' rammed himself into the same tree truck over 23 times, making him lose consciousness and having the possibility of brain damage. So Moebius was negotiating the bunny hill as best as he could when the avalanche took him out, turning him head over heel down towards the ski lodge.  
  
Note - Moebius required two week in intensive care in a full body cast, all the while unable to scratch himself because he was (duh) in a body cast and no one was volunteering to begin with.  
  
But back to the story.  
  
Turel: (Clapping his hands with a sarcastic air) Oh yes, even when Zephon isn't here he still manages to create trouble for all of us.  
  
Melchiah: So what do we do now?  
  
Raziel: Give up.  
  
Rahab: No, we can't give up! We need to save Dumah!  
  
At that moment the Fire Reaver elevator, complete with the butchered muzak theme of 'Fly Me To The Moon' comes down with Zephon and Janos on it. The fifth eldest son has a massive smug smile on his face, while Janos, dressed up in a warm furry parka, looks at the four vampires quizzically.  
  
Janos: And these 4 were the ones who caused the damage to my Santa Village as well?  
  
Zephon: Yeah. I tried to stop them but they wouldn't listen. They kept on beating up Santa even when he was begging them for mercy.  
  
Janos: Dear god. (Steps off the elevator) Zephon tells me that you need my help.  
  
Raziel: We didn't destroy the village. We didn't kill Santa. We all love Santa and the reindeer, especially Rudolph. I have a stuffy of him at home on my bed.  
  
Melchiah: It was Zephon. Don't believe a word he says to you, ever.  
  
Turel: Except that we really do need help from you.  
  
Rahab: But don't listen to anything else he says. Especially about the conspiracies he believes are going on all around him.  
  
Janos: Okkkaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy. So what do you need my help with?  
  
Rahab quickly launched into the story of how he and his brothers found and entered the Chronoplast chamber, ended up in Meridian, explained how they lost Dumah to the dragon and then concluded that if they got the strongest and wisest vampire in the land to help them get their brother back, then there was no way they could lose. Janos, who always had a soft spot for such hard cases, readily agreed to help the brothers out.  
  
Janos: I readily agree to help you all.  
  
All the Lieutenants: YEAH!!!!!!!  
  
Unfortunately this victory cheer started another avalanche, which careened down the other side of the mountain and destroyed Hash'ak'git's winter home, which was a nice and snug little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. He was baking cookies to give to the orphanage down the road when he looked out the window and saw the snow barreling towards him. So in the end, there were no cookies for the orphanage, the snug cabin with the little Christmas tree and stockings hung by the fireplace with care waiting for Santa (even if now he would never be there) were ruined, and Hash decided to plot revenge as he was sent to the same intensive care unit as Moebius and forced to listen to the old man rant and rave on and on about his itchy behind.  
  
So off the Ancient and the five Lieutenants went, back to the Chronoplast chamber to reset time back to the not so flaming yet trying to rebuilt with minimal resources Meridian. 


	5. Kain Against the Salesman! Someone Hears...

When Kain woke up, he had the biggest headache since he could last remember. It wasn't everyday that he was hit over the head by the younger version of himself with a massive rock in the middle of the Canyons, and while part of the headache was because of the rock that bopped him on the head, the other half of the headache was because of the master vampire's insane anger that was quickly bubbling to the surface. You could see it with the veins that were beginning to pulse and bulge out of his forehead, very unattractive if one might add. The moon was high in the sky and Kain got up very slowly, the nightscape world spinning around him like the time his sons got him very, very drunk and then stole his red Ferrari so they could take it out for a joyride.  
  
Kain: Where did I go off to? The younger Kain said the 'Middle of Nowhere' but I don't know where such a place could be.  
  
Suddenly a large and massive black shadow loomed up behind the vampire. He turned quickly, claws bared. Kain would not go down without a fight, though he wished that a bunch of people would be looking at his climatic demise at the hands of whatever evil demon this Canyon had to offer. Maybe they would make a cheesy Hollywood movie or video game series about him if he were lucky. The shadow loomed even closer and closer, then a figure appeared from around the boulders and stood in front of Kain.  
  
The man was dressed in a tweed business suit. He wore thick glasses and had his hair gelled back in a horrible 50's smile. But what set the warning bells off in Kain's head was the cheesy smile that man gave him, as well as the vacuum cleaner he held in his hands. He was one of the dangerous and insidious vacuum cleaner salesmen, native to the Canyons of Meridian and even more ferocious than Ariel when she was PMSing at the Pillars.  
  
Salesman: Excuse me sir, if I could have a moment of your time I would like to introduce you to the Excel Marksman 2001, a vacuum cleaner than will revolutionize the world of-  
  
Kain: (Screaming like a girl) Get away from me!!!  
  
And with that, Kain raced down the canyon roads, pulling at his hair while still screaming like a young boy that hadn't quite hit puberty yet. Of course the vacuum cleaner salesman would not be dismissed so easily; he had been wandering the canyons for over 10 years and he wanted to make at least one sale before he was called back home. Hiking the massive machine over his shoulders, the salesman raced after Kain, all the while yelling at him about the new and improved Excel Marksman 2001.  
  
Salesman: And it not only sucks up the dirt but it changes it into something else. You could toss a bowl of pasta onto the ground and out will pop a full course buffet! It also cleans up water spillage and other liquids; it has an auto-control so it could go around your house and be on dirt patrol while you're watching your favorite shows!!! It can also take out those annoying wine spills!! A perfect gift for the wife or that special woman in your life!  
  
This made Kain scream even louder because when the man said wife Kain immediately thought of Ariel and how she had been nagging Kain to get a vacuum cleaner to clean up the Sanctuary because Jumbo the elephant and Eddy the anteater weren't doing their jobs very well anymore and they were getting on in years. Kain jumped across a bridge in the canyons, landing safely on the other side and cutting the ropes.  
  
Kain: (Snickering) There we go, he can't follow me anymore.  
  
*Imitates a buzzer* Wrong Kain!  
  
Kain: WHAT?!!  
  
The vacuum cleaner salesman will find a way across; he always will. He wants to make a sale and you're his victim. So I suggest you start running again. Try the middle of nowhere. It seems to be very popular of late.  
  
Kain: Make sense, damn you!  
  
Now because writing vacuum cleaner salesman is long and an involving process to make sure there are no spelling errors, we will now give him the name *reaches into a felt top hat like the one Frosty had; actually is the hat Frosty owed before Zephon killed him royally* Drappy.  
  
Drappy: (Calling from across the bridge) Excuse me, potential customer. The bridge has accidentally been cut. Would you be kind enough to repair it for me so I might tell you more about the Excel Marksman 2001?  
  
Kain would do no such thing because if you were over two thousand years old, would you make a stupid move like that? I think not. But Drappy would not be persuaded to move along so easily. He looked down at the current, shrugged his tweed shoulders and fixed up his thick glasses, and then walked down the bank and into the fast- moving current. He submerged completely and was lost from view.  
  
Kain: He has to be dead, right? Right?  
  
Suddenly Drappy reappeared, jumping nimbly out of the water and landing near Kain. The scary thing was he wasn't even wet.  
  
Drappy: Sir, let me tell you for the low, low price of 450$-AHHH!!!  
  
After shoving Drappy the vacuum cleaner salesman back into the water and watching him get pushed down stream, Kain set off running again even if he was quite tired and hadn't fed in a while; this whole experience reminded him of a triathlon of sorts. But that didn't matter for suddenly someone from the Nosgoth Bloodbank was pulling alongside Kain in a car, handed him a cup of -o blood, then with a friendly wave drove off. Kain drank the blood then splashed the rest over him and feeling re-energized, continued his way off to-  
  
Kain: Finding the other me, beating the snot out of him, getting my Soul Reaver back and then going home in time to catch the last episode of 'ER'.  
  
A bell rang behind Kain suddenly. And he knew, with that deep and sinking feeling in his gut, that it was none other than Drappy the salesman, back once again. How he got out of the river and got a bike and managed to carry that damned vacuum cleaner with him at the same time, no one is quite sure but suffice to say that such things are covered in the Nosgoth Human School of Annoying Salesmen. Drappy came alongside Kain and gave that cheesy smile.  
  
Drappy: Did I forget to mention that this vacuum cleaner also has a satellite dish included with it?  
  
Finally Kain had had enough. Anyone would after they've been though what Kain had been through, which was losing the Reaver to the younger and more handsome version of himself, then getting chased down the sewer system that wasn't very clean, having a blue mouse called Mr. Whispers nearly beating up on him, then getting clunked on the head with a huge boulder by the younger Kain and now being chased by an over-eager salesman named Drappy.  
  
Not to mention that the leather pants Kain was wearing weren't all that clean anymore and he wanted to know exactly what his sons had been up to the whole time he was gone. So Kain kept pace besides Drappy, who was merrily cycling along besides the master vampire. Unbeknownst to Drappy but knowest to us, Kain was about the beat the *insert two colourful adjectives and one verb here; imaginations can run wild* out of him.  
  
And that was just what he did.  
  
Walking away from the broken, mangled, bleeding and unidentifiable body of the vacuum cleaner salesman once know as Drappy, who had pieces of the bike shoved into various orifices of his body, Kain could now continue on his way to the middle of nowhere in a vain attempt to find the younger Kain and get his Soul Reaver back. But then it began to rain.  
  
Kain: (Unenthusiastically) Oh my. How did I know this was going to happen? Fie-diddly-dee, because this fanfic is chock full of stuff like this. (Trudging through the rain) The skin on my back is being burned, my leather pants will shrink from this rain, but am I mad? No. (Looks up at the sky) I'M PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
As he was ranting on and on about the terrible predicament he was in, Kain happened to look up at one of the canyon walls. There, standing on the very edge of a plateau, made from white marble, gold, silver and with a stain glass roof and windows, was a church. The master vampire shrugged his shoulders, thinking that it was better to seek shelter in a church for the moment than get continually burned out in the rain.  
  
Kain: (Thinking) It is better to seek shelter inside a church than to get continually burned by the rain out here.  
  
He walked up and up the pathways that led to the church, which while on the ground and faraway appeared very small, got very big, in fact massive as he approached. Hell, it looked like it was meant for a giant or a dragon or a griffon or something else that was big and mystical. A sign written in gold outside the church proclaimed it as the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'. A smaller billboard beside it stated:  
  
'Today, celebrating the wedding of Fluffy Pink Dragon to ?'  
  
Kain: What the hell? Does the groom know nothing about the ceremony he's about to attend? He has to be a real idiot or something like that; this might be one of those shotgun weddings. I'm glad I am not related to that stupid groom.  
  
Knocking on the massive wooden door, Kain waited until it opened up. A massive fluffy golden dragon wearing spectacles looked at him.  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Oh my, you look like a drowned rat.  
  
Kain: No, that's a drowned rat. (Points to a drowned rat beside him) I demand to be let in out of the rain. It's burning me up.  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: (Sigh) Very well. (Opens up the door and lets Kain in) But we're about to have a wedding here, so I need to ask you. Are you a friend, guest or relative to the bride or groom's side?  
  
Kain, always the quick thinker, thought quickly and gave a grin.  
  
Kain: The groom's side of course. (Thinking to himself) Anything to be out of the rain.  
  
The Fluffy Golden Dragon, who was also the priest of the church, beamed and patted Kain on the back with one massive paw.  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Excellent, excellent. Right this way then, please and I will show you to your seat. (Sits Kain down) The wedding will be held within two hours.  
  
Smiling smugly to himself, Kain kicked up his cloven feet on the pew in front of him, looked over on the other side of the church where many a fluffy colourful dragons were waiting, and wondered what poor bastard was getting married today.  
  
* * * *  
  
Now we head off to Meridian, which was rebuilding as best as they could with the minimal resources they had with them. The reason they couldn't get any new supplies to rebuilt the Red Raven Pub, Harry the Shoemaker's shop, or even the Brothel house down the road on Skanky Street crossing over with Knicker-Knacker Road was because the Hylden, living across the ocean, wouldn't give them the supplies needed because they had cornered the market and were growing rich from the horrible capitalism they were inflicting upon the other denizens of Nosgoth. The Sarafan Lord was pissed and would have words with the Hylden later, but that doesn't matter at the moment. All you need to know is that the actual construction tools in Meridian at the moment were: 1 hammer, 32 nails (3 rusty ones included), a badly repaired cement mixed, straw in great quantities, and about 3 2x4 pieces of wood that were badly warped. And the person in charge of these tools were none other than Magnus, who had somehow gotten out of the Eternal Prison with a weekend pass which would be revoked if he went on a killing spree.  
  
Magnus: (Singing happily if badly while sitting atop the construction pile) My stuff, my stuff, my own stuff!!!!  
  
Now Faustus, Sebastian and Marcus had been trying, without much success for the past two days, to get the construction items from Magnus. Faustus had been burned on his butt, which was now bandaged with a silly and novelty large yellow Band-Aid, Sebastian had tried to take the tools using brute force and got whacked upside the head for it with the hammer and Marcus had tried to Charm Magnus, but since there was no brain in there to Charm, or because Magnus was so messed up in the head, it didn't work. So it had come to a standstill; 3 vampires watching and waiting for the 1 to fall asleep and then steal the stuff they needed to repair their own sections of Meridian.  
  
Faustus: (Whispering) He hasn't fallen asleep yet, Sebastian.  
  
Sebastian: (Bags under his eyes) I know.  
  
Marcus: (Eyelids drooping forwards) We haven't slept in over 3 days. I'm beginning to think he's never going to fall asleep.  
  
Sebastian: He had to! Everyone has an internal clock telling them when they go to sleep.  
  
Faustus: Yeah, but either he's too crazy to know when to sleep or that so called clock left him a long time ago Sebastian, and relocated elsewhere.  
  
Marcus, after brewing the 658th cup of coffee for himself (and being shaky, jittery and energetic all at the same time) downed it quickly and then looked down the road at Cal's Rifle Shop. It was an idea. Maybe he would go a purchase a rifle and 'hunting season' for a vampire called Magnus would be open. Faustus eyed Marcus and slapped him upside the head.  
  
Faustus: Don't try it. If you shot him, it won't stop Magnus. You'll only make him angrier, like when you give Sebastian candy. Remember, it didn't make him happier, it made him hyper and go on a killing spree.  
  
Sebastian: Oh shut up!  
  
Faustus: It's the truth!  
  
Sebastian: Does everyone have to know my secrets?  
  
Marcus: Yes.  
  
Magnus: (Still singing and clapping his hands together) I got my stuff, stuff, stuff. I got nails, I got buttons, I got a cement mixer with ice cream, I have a fluffy pink puppy named Shnookium who I-  
  
Sebastian: Alright, forget it. I'm getting me a rifle. (Walks towards the shop)  
  
Janos and Lieutenants appeared out of the Chronoplast chamber into the smoky and ruined streets of Meridian at the exact moment Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus opened fire on Magnus with the bazooka, rifle and the pea shooter. With a loud boom and a shriek, Magnus raced off the pile of supplies and raced madly towards the new arrivals.  
  
Raziel: Ah! He's hideous! Like when Rahab comes out from the tanning salon!  
  
Zephon: Actually, he looks more like Melchiah; premature balding of course but what the hell is up with the guts?  
  
Now for some reason or another as the insane vampire called Magnus raced towards the Lieutenants, ranting and raving about his pink puppy, they didn't get out of the way. Janos did, but that was because Janos was a hell of a lot older than the Lieutenants, and therefore smarter than them. As described later by Turel to the Meridian Police Department, all he saw was a massive hulk of tortured flesh bear down on him, beat him senseless while ranting on and on about 1800 pounds of meat, and then watched the mysterious vampire escape. The police said they would look into this matter, but all they did was put up a few posters of 'Have You Seen This Vampire?' and thought no more of the matter.  
  
Janos: So where would your brother be?  
  
Rahab: That's a good question; we never thought of where Dumah would be.  
  
Turel: Well, if you were a fluffy pink dragon with the hots for Dumah (shudders at the thought) where would you be?  
  
Raziel, who had purchased a booklet of 'The Sights of Sarafan Controlled Meridian and Nosgoth in General' quickly flipped through the pages until he stopped at one. After looking at the Mirror Shop ad, which stated it was located on Mirror and Narcissistic Circle, continued to look through the booklet until he came to the ad of 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'.  
  
Raziel: Here, people! (Shows them the ad)  
  
Janos: (Looking it over) It would seem the most likely place, since it is the only church in all of Nosgoth that does allow dragons and other denizens to be married together. I remember going there when I was younger, to watch a wedding take place between a Hylden and a human.  
  
The Ancient received blank looks from all the Lieutenants save Rahab. The 4th born son obviously knew something of the chapel, because even in his own timeline the chapel was no longer in the canyons, having been relocated next to the Drowned Abbey where Rahab acted as a priest to people wanting to get married. It was a favorite pastime of his; seeing the love of two beings and them being united as one to prove that love does conquer all in the end-  
  
Melchiah: Excuse me, could we get back to the story? We all know that Rahab goes over weddings and charges a fixed hourly rate, which is all rather good but we need to go and save Dumah.  
  
Turel: Why are you saying that? Dumah beats up on you all the time so why are you concerned for him?  
  
Melchiah: Because at least when he beats up on me he makes sure he knows that I exist, which is better than being forgotten by the rest of you brothers.  
  
Zephon: Oh shut up!  
  
Melchiah: You shut up!  
  
Zephon: You shut up!  
  
Melchiah: Shut up!  
  
Zephon: Shut up!  
  
Janos: Both of you shut up or I'll rip out your throats and stretch the skin out to make drum skins, do you hear me?  
  
The Lieutenants looked ay Janos, who looked very pissed off which was weird because Janos always looked so kind and nice. Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus meanwhile were fighting over the supplies that Magnus had vacated and succeeded in shooting each other in the butt, which of course hurt but they wouldn't say a thing.  
  
Raziel: So how will we get to the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'?  
  
Turel: Simple. We take the airplane.  
  
Janos: I could simply teleport us all there. It would save time-  
  
Turel: We're taking the airplane!  
  
And with that, the Lieutenants rushed off to the Meridian airport, which somehow wasn't burnt to the ground when the dragon attacked, and booked tickets for the next flight to the chapel, which was in five minutes. Now only three Lieutenants got first class seats, leaving Janos and the other two to fly in steerage with the Meridian Circus Troupe, but we don't need to go into detail over who was pampered and who wasn't.  
  
Rahab: Yes, we do.  
  
No, we don't.  
  
Rahab: Yes, we do!  
  
No, we don't. Now shut up and enjoy your chicken head. And somewhere else, namely the cave belonging to the Fluffy Pink Dragon in the Middle of Nowhere, Dumah and the younger Kain (who hadn't been killed or eaten yet) were both being carted off to the chapel, one to be the official witness to the marriage and the other one to be the unknowing groom to him but we the knowing audience know what to expect from the unknowing groom when the next known scene comes into existence.  
  
And in the Canyons of Meridian, the corpse of Drappy was being eaten by the vultures, who had brought along ketchup to mask the scent of death and rot and all the other unpleasantness of it all. Next time, they're going out to the 9 Pillars' Buffet Lunch.  
  
* * * * 


	6. The Wedding & Finally the End of Everyth...

The plane touched down at the small airfield just outside the Dragon Infinity Chapel, which was in truth a run down derelict shack. In fact the plane didn't even really touch down on the ground, it sort of coasted in, then when it was low enough to the ground, the flight attendants pushed out the lieutenants and Janos. Raziel and Turel hit each other, effectively knocking themselves out, Rahab was the only one smart enough to grab a parachute from one of the flight attendants and coasted down, and Janos picked up Melchiah and flew him easily to the ground. As for Zephon...  
  
Zephon: Hey! I'm still on the plane!!!!!!  
  
Melchiah: (On the ground) Jump off!  
  
Zephon: I'm not that insane!  
  
Raziel: Really?! We thought you were!  
  
So the plane made a second run back in the hopes of dumping off this other passenger that they really didn't want on in the first place.  
  
Turel: Zephon! We'll catch you! Really we will!!!!   
  
Rahab raced behind the derelict shack where, lo and behold, a trampoline was there. So he dragged it back and set it out in the middle of the tarmac with a hastily painted sign of: 'Land Here, Zephon!' written on it.  
  
Raziel: Do you think he'll actually make it?  
  
Rahab: Nope. Rule number 5 in this fanfic. If Zephon thinks he's going to make it, then he won't. But if he doesn't believe, then he will. It will add...I dunno, spice to this story.  
  
Wow Rahab, you're really catching on to all these rules here.  
  
Turel: (Shouting to Zephon) Zephon, 5th rule!!! Don't believe in making the jump and you'll make it!!!!!!!  
  
Zephon: (Holding onto the door frame of the plane) What?! You want me to die, don't you!!!!! Well put this in your pipe and smoke it Turel, I believe that I am going to make the jump so there!!!! Mwahahaha, I'm the best!  
  
Janos: Why did you tell him that?  
  
Melchiah: It's Turel for you.  
  
So Zephon, summoning up all his courage (which wasn't very much so he borrowed some from the people on the plane) took a pack of bubblegum and began to chew it, then jumped off the plane and down towards the trampoline. *Sigh* Zephon hit the trampoline, but then because of the 5th rule in this fanfic, bounced right back up and away into the sky. So his brothers watched him soar upwards, screaming and cursing the whole way while still managing to chew his bubblegum the whole time. Janos was the first to speak.  
  
Janos: He will come down eventually. Let us make our way to the chapel to save your brother. (Points to the chapel)  
  
And so the *counts her fingers* 5 vampires headed up the steep incline to the chapel. Hey Janos!  
  
Janos: What?  
  
Why didn't you just fly up and grab Zephon? Now he's somewhere out in the sky, most likely heading for outer space.  
  
Janos: (Shrugs his shoulders) I'm too lazy to do anything. And it seemed to me that the child deserved it; he really is a spoilt brat.  
  
Okay then...moving on!!!!  
  
****  
  
Kain was sitting down in the pews, bitching silently to himself how his leather pants were beginning to shrink because of the rain, when he looked up towards the stainglass roof. Now why this chapel had a stainglass roof no one quite understood; some people said it was because dragons, especially the fluffy ones, liked shiny things and above all else stainglass was shiny. Some others mentioned that it was purely for beauty and that when anyone looked up, they would be enraptured by it and blah blah blah, so on and so forth so that when they were getting married, they didn't know who they were marrying and then it was too late. But this is pointless and we're going back to the reason why Kain's looking up at the stainglass roof.  
  
Kain: Because you wrote it?  
  
Hmmm, could be. But not really.  
  
Kain: Why then?  
  
Because at that precise moment Zephon fell through the stainglass window, screaming his head off and fell right into the holy water.  
  
Zephon: AHHHH!!! It burns, it burns me!!! (Skin begins to fry)  
  
Kain: ZEPHON!!! (Runs up to his son and pulls him out of the water) Oh my god, you're alive! (Looks at his son's somewhat charred form) Well, somewhat alive. And I thought you boys were back in Meridian.  
  
Zephon: We were, but then while you were chasing the younger and more good-looking version of yourself, Dumah volunteered to slay the dragon but it was a fluffy pink dragon and then she carted him away somewhere. So to save him we went back into the past and brought Janos Audron here to save Dumah, whom we know is getting married here today. We just didn't expect so see you here! And of course I was coming off the plane but then because Rahab took out that stupid trampoline I was sent back up into space!!! (Muttering to himself) But I'll get back at him, him and that goldfish of his.  
  
This took a few moments for Kain to understand all what Zephon was saying but as long as we know what is happening with this loose plot then everything looks good, doesn't it?  
  
Kain: Dumah...getting married...here? I was chasing myself down through the sewer system, I managed to get the Soul Reaver, but then lost it and I was chased around by a horrible vacuum cleaner salesman! (Begins to cry; Zephon hugs Kain)  
  
Zephon: It's all right, the horror is over!!!! Waitaminute!!!!  
  
What?  
  
Zephon: Where is the younger Kain then?  
  
Kain: Yeah. He has my sword still.  
  
Umm, well, truth be told guys, he's coming to the wedding too. See the fluffy dragons on the one side of the church?  
  
Kain & Zephon: Yeah.  
  
She's bringing along the other Kain because you need at least one vampire for the groom's side and the younger Kain is in essence Dumah's father, even if it is not true at the moment. Oh, and I might as well say that Dumah now has the Soul Reaver.  
  
Kain: WHAT?!!!!  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Excuse me, if you cannot keep your voice down, then I will ask you to leave. (Finally notices Zephon and the broken roof) I hope you are going to pay for that, young man.  
  
Zephon: Umm, put it to the Sarafan Lord's bill.  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Very well, then. (Makes a tally of the damage and the cost to repair it all, which is about 2000 gold coins, then sends the message off to the Sarafan Lord by the Faerie Express Service, where it'll get you there in no time square. The fairies were thinking of changing the motto, but once again this doesn't matter at all to the story.)  
  
And at that moment the door opened up and in waltzed in none other than the Fluffy Pink Dragon, dressed in a massive white wedding dress that could only fit dragon-size proportions, and holding in one talon Dumah, dressed up in the armour and holding the Soul Reaver over his shoulder, and in the other talon the younger Kain, who was knocked out at the moment. Funny story on how he was knocked out, actually. He was backing away from Dumah and then bashed his head on one of those things that stick upwards in the cave, whatever they're called. So he fell backwards and nearly dropped into one of the lava vents, but Kain was saved by the fried body of the faerie. Just how this was done it doesn't matter, but Kain tried to make a break for freedom without the Soul Reaver, tripped on a rock and bashed his head into the wall. Finally Kain's body got the idea that if he was knocked out, then he wouldn't be able to hurt himself anymore. So it was his body acting on it's own accord and not with Kain's brain that knocked him out. (Everyone confused? Well I'm not explaining it)  
  
Dumah saw Kain and Kain saw Dumah. Zephon saw Dumah and Dumah saw Zephon. Then Kain saw the younger Kain but the younger Kain did not see the older Kain.  
  
Dumah: Dad, you have to help me!!! I don't wanna be married!!!!  
  
Kain walked up next to Dumah, who had been put down by the Fluffy Pink Dragon while she went over to see her relatives. She had also dumped the unconscious Kain in one of the pews and Zephon was checking his pockets for money, but at the moment it is far more important to see what will happen between Kain and Dumah than what Zephon has found in the younger Kain's pockets.  
  
Kain: Give me the Soul Reaver and then I'll help you.  
  
Dumah: But, but, but-  
  
Kain: (Mockingly) But but but! Look, when I die I'll give you the Soul Reaver; I'll promise it to you in my will.  
  
Dumah: Okay. (Hands Kain the Soul Reaver) So what are you going to do to get me out of this predicament?  
  
Kain: Nothing. (Begins to laugh) Maybe this will teach you.  
  
Dumah: Teach me what?  
  
Kain thought long and hard for a moment. What the hell was this actually suppose to teach Dumah? Since Kain could not find or give a reasonable excuse, he simply went back to sitting in the pew with the unconscious Kain and Zephon, who had managed to find in the younger Kain's pockets the following items: a piece of yellow string, two tickets to the 9 Pillars Buffet, a hit list of people he would eventually slay, a small glyph lighter and lint. The older Kain looked at the younger version of himself and punched him just because he felt like it. Does that make you feel powerful, Kain?  
  
Kain: It does!  
  
Dumah: DAD!!!! HELP ME!!!  
  
Zephon: (Looking at Dumah as the Fluffy Pink Dragon picks him up) Maybe we should help him.  
  
Kain: Let's just see where this is going. Besides, it's Janos' duty to save him, not mine. That's the reason you got the Ancient, am I correct?  
  
All the fluffy dragons took their seats as someone began to play the wedding march. The dragon was of course very happy, grinning wildly the whole time and holding Dumah, who was kicking and screaming and not acting the part of the brave and silent warrior.  
  
Dumah: Any guy in my place would do the same!!!  
  
Really? *Camera whirls suddenly to Meridian, where the Sarafan Lord is getting a very bad picture of one of his soap operas* Excuse me, Sarafan Lord, a moment of your time!  
  
Sarafan Lord: What?  
  
If you were in the position that Dumah is in right now (Sarafan Lord reads what has happened before) what would you do? Would you act the same way as him? *Holds out the microphone; camera panes in to get the Hylden general's reaction*  
  
Sarafan Lord: Well first off I would be flattered. Secondly, I would try and talk my way out of it. Thirdly, if talking didn't work out, then I would take the Soul Reaver and kill her. But since Dumah doesn't have the Reaver and I do, then I guess I wouldn't be in his position now, would I?  
  
Any pointers you can give him from someone like you, Sarafan Lord? Words to the wise, a few tips on situations like this that Dumah has now gotten into?  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Looks at the camera) Just give in. It makes everything easier, vampire.  
  
Thank you for your time, Sarafan Lord. (Doesn't look at the camera as he is trying to get a good picture to watch 'Days of Our Lives.')  
  
*Camera goes back to the chapel*  
  
Fluffy Golden Dragon: We are gathered here today to see the marriage-  
  
Zephon: (Standing up dramatically) We need Janos to save the day!!! (Looks to the door) And he'll come through the door...anytime now. *silence* Now would be good. It would be very good right now...  
  
****  
  
Well at that moment Janos, Raziel, Turel, Melchiah and Rahab are running away from a pair of angry billy goats who decided that Janos, being blue sweet grass would have been good to eat. But Janos didn't take lightly to having his wings eaten and as such retaliated by kicking one of the goats off the edge of the canyons. This started a war between the goats and the vampires, who were seriously outnumbered. So the vampires of course ran with the angry animals following behind them, led by L'il Miss Bopeep for some reason or another. And at the same time Turel had taken out a banjo and was strumming a hillbilly chase music on it.  
  
Melchiah: (Panting for breath) Turel, stop that damn noise!  
  
Janos: How can you run and play that horrible instrument at the same time?  
  
Turel: Because I can!  
  
Raziel: I bet if you stopped playing that chase music the goats would stop chasing us!  
  
Rahab: Only one way to find out!  
  
Rahab, being the smart character in this fanfic for those people who couldn't figure that out even if you have read this far, took the banjo and tossed it over the edge of the canyons. Turel gave a small sigh, but it was true for the goats, without the chase music, couldn't chase the vampires. So the war was averted, L'il Bopeep went back with the goats to tending them, losing three to the wolves, and Turel was without a musical instrument. That was until he found the harmonica down the road, but we shan't go into details. The doors to the Dragon Infinity Chapel came into view and Janos raced ahead of the others because everyone could hear the wedding music playing, thanks to the hole in the roof Zephon made.  
  
Janos burst through the doors in a slow-mo scene like that from the Matrix; everything hung still as the Ancient looked at what lay before him. The Fluffy Pink Dragon about to marry Dumah, the other dragons watching on in happiness, the two Kain's pounding the crap out of everyone, Zephon healing from his injuries thanks to the holy water, and Mr. Whispers waiting with her children to sing a couple of songs that the Fluffy Pink Dragon had chosen beforehand when the ceremony was done.  
  
Suspense was in the air.  
  
Then Janos tripped on the red carpet, sailed down the aisle and crashed into Dumah, knocking him effectively out of the way as the pink dragon bent to give him the kiss that would seal the marriage. But she kissed Janos instead so now the Ancient was married to the Fluffy Pink Dragon but hell, Dumah was off the hook!  
  
Dumah: (Doing a victory dance) Hell yeah!!! I am the best!!!  
  
But to cool Dumah down, a bolt of lightning zapped him, charring him nicely and making him faint. Well Zephon went through his pockets too and found only a note saying: Kill Raziel when this is all over. Zephon didn't care to ponder the meaning of the note and neither will we because it doesn't matter. The rest of the lieutenants came in at that moment and of course the usual greeting their father-deal-and-explaining-what-happened-to-them happened, but I'm not gonna write that because it would take too much time.  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Looking at Janos) Meow?  
  
Janos: Oh. My. God.  
  
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Shrugging her shoulders) Meow. Translation: Oh well, at least I get to marry somebody today.  
  
So Janos, now married to a Fluffy Pink Dragon, was carted out of the chapel with the rest of his new 'in-laws' and that was the end of that.  
  
Note – Okay, it wasn't really the end. Janos managed to escape and use the Chronoplast chamber to get back to his original time while the wedding party was going on, and from then on holed himself up in his fortress, not coming out to even get the morning paper and was sure as hell not going to help anyone out anymore. And that's the end of that!  
  
Dumah: Brothers!!!!!  
  
Raziel, Turel, Zephon, Rahab & Melchiah: Dumah! (Everyone gives a big bear hug)  
  
Younger Kain: (Finally wakes up) Huh? What happened?  
  
Melchiah: We averted a wedding for our brother.  
  
Turel: Well it was Janos who did the work; gotta love that Ancient! And now we can all go home! (Everyone heads out to doors of the chapel)  
  
Kain: Wait a minute! (Everyone stops) I have some business to finish up here. (Looks at the younger Kain) Here, this should help you conquer all of Nosgoth and get the original Soul Reaver back to you in no time, younger version of me who will soon turn into me because of all the stress that will come onto your shoulders.  
  
The master vampire handed the younger version of himself a copy of the 'Complete Walkthough of Blood Omen 2' promising strategies that would eliminate any and every foe that came his way. And with that, Kain walked out with the Soul Reaver once again in his possession, his six sons by his side as they caught a taxi back to Meridian and then to the Chronoplast chamber and finally home. Of course before they actually went home Kain beat the crap out of Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus once again because hell, if they were there, they why pass up the chance to hurt them once again? But overall, the days of insanity are over in Nosgoth...or are they???  
  
*cue the weird and creepy music*  
  
  
  
  
  
Would you people like to know all the rules of this pointless fanfic just for the hell of it?   
  
Do you find yourself asking what happened to Magnus after he got away from the pile of construction tools?   
  
Which vampires exactly got first-class seating on the plane and which did not?   
  
How did that trampoline that Rahab used for Zephon actually wind up there?   
  
How does Sebastian fit all that stuff underneath his cape?   
  
What happened to Mr. Whispers and her children?   
  
Where did Vorador and the Cabal relocate while their HQ was being rebuilt?   
  
Did Raziel ever get another mirror?   
  
Has Moebius and Hash'ak'git gotten out of the hospital yet?   
  
What happened to the banjo when Turel threw it over the edge of the cliff?   
  
Was the Santa Village ever rebuilt?   
  
And who the hell was snickering in the shadows when DHA had her chair broken?   
  
Click to the next chapter to find out!! 


	7. Answers to Questions You Might Or Might ...

The rules of 'Days of Insanity' are as follows:   
  
1) Looking up into the sky and seeing a mysterious, black object coming towards you spells trouble. But if you are the first to spot it, this means more than trouble; it's instant death for you.  
  
2) Never say that you're invincible because then something will happen to prove that you are NOT invincible.  
  
3) No matter how bad the story can get, it will always get worse. So when you say if can't get any worse, then surprise, surprise!!! It can only get worse!  
  
4) Something will automatically stop you from reaching your goal until the author believes the characters have sufficiently learned their lesson, whatever that might be. So never say 'The end is in sight' because they you'll crash up against a wall.  
  
5) If Zephon believes in himself, then he will fail. But if he doesn't believe in himself, then he will win. Murphey's Law, or mine. Whichever way you see fit!  
  
  
Q: So what happened to Magnus in this fic?  
  
A: Well, after people began to report sightings of a weird vampire running around and screaming for meat, about 1800 pounds of it, the police finally got off their butts and did something about it. They lured the insane vampire into a cage with bear meat greased over one of their guys (the cop died) and hauled Magnus back to the Eternal Prison where he won't be getting a weekend pass anymore.  
  
  
Q: Which vampires got first-class seating and which did not?  
  
A: The answer is simple. Because of his good looks, Raziel was obviously placed in first-class, along with Turel because was also good-looking and not to mention refined, and Melchiah because one stewardess thought he was 'adorable' even if that notion of him being cute changed when he tried to skin her. Janos, Zephon and Rahab were stuck in steerage with the circus act because...just because.  
  
  
Q: How did that trampoline wind up where it was when Rahab tired to use it for Zephon?  
  
A: The Canyons are home to the biggest dumping ground in all of Nosgoth. Last week Faustus had purchased that trampoline to help him with his jumping, even if he did possess the Dark Gift to jump. He didn't trash it; Sebastian did. That vampire was pissed off that Faustus was leaping from place to place and he couldn't so with the help of Marcus the two brought it to that secluded location and left it. Of course Faustus found it later on and brought it back home but that doesn't matter.  
  
  
Q: How does Sebastian fit all that stuff underneath his cape?  
  
A: Simple. A black hole.  
  
  
Q: What happened to Mr. Whispers and her children?  
  
A: Well after the wedding they went to the reception, then from there went to go and visit relatives. Unfortunately one of the mouselings was caught in a trap and it was only because of the divine intervention of the ghost of Drappy the Salesman that the baby was saved. They're all doing well now; three have graduated with honours from university.  
  
  
Q: Where did Vorador and the Cabal relocate while the HQ was being built?  
  
A: They stayed over at the Sarafan Fortress; Vorador was also a fan of the many soap operas and since the Sarafan Lord had someone to finally talk to about the sadness of the whole messed up television series, he invited the vampires to stay. Of course after the HQ was built they all went back to fighting but then that was expected.  
  
  
Q: Did Raziel ever get another mirror?  
  
A: Yes, he did. He has a closet full of them at home.  
  
  
Q: Has Moebius and Hash'ak'git gotten out of the hospital yet?  
  
A: Hash did, but Moebius didn't. Sometime during the night, a large and inky black shadow that looked familiar a.k.a Hash, broke the old man's bones again to keep in the hospital for longer. As the Circle Members commented, they didn't mind at all.  
  
  
Q: What happened to the banjo when Turel threw it over the edge of the canyons?  
  
A: The Seer has it now. She was walking along and minding her own business when suddenly the instrument dropped into her hands. She found out she had a talent for music and created the blues son titled 'I'm Misunderstood.' It reached the number 1 spot on the Nosgoth Music Chart for over 5 weeks.  
  
  
Q: Was Santa's Village ever rebuilt?  
  
A: What do you think?  
  
  
Q: Who broke DHA's chair when she sat down on it?  
  
A: It was none other than me, the narrator. Well, I was pissed that she was directing the story from time to time and not me, so I got even. Yeah, payback's a bitch I know, so she better watch out from now on!  
  
  
DHA: What was that?!!! *pulls out a bazooka and blows up the narrator* And now there is no more competition. I would like to thank everyone for reading and reviewing this fic. I'm glad you could all put up with this pointlessness and now that I have it out of my system, I believe I will go and write something else...maybe just as insane or not as much. I don't know. (Throws roses and beer to the people) But if you're 16 and younger, then the beer changes into soda pop for you people. ^_^ 


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